Empty Nest Prep: When Adult Children Head to College

As a parent I knew that one day our son (who is an only child) would become an adult and leave home. But as prepared as I thought I was to manage that transition, in truth I wasn’t prepared at all.  I think this was the result of naivete’ as well as lack of knowledge and experience.  None of our close friends had been through this yet (we were all going through it at the same time) nor had anyone older shared words of wisdom with us about this phase of life. Strangely, even my social media feeds seemed to lack mention of college parents grieving when their kids left for college….only the occasional mention of missing them or how good it felt to have them home for holidays and vacations.  So, when the day came for me to drive our son to college, I was aware that our lives were about to shift but I had no idea how much.   
Now, of course, everyone experiences adjustment, change, loss, and rites of passage differently.  There are many parents who get through this experience with their hearts intact and even thrive as empty nesters in those initial first few months.  I had envisioned myself as being in the latter group— I had, afterall, spent 18 years encouraging my son to live life, explore, and make memories.  I was excited for him to be heading to college…to be leaving our small town and moving to a place where academia, diversity, and opportunity are embraced and celebrated.  I could feel his readiness to foster this new life.  I was overjoyed for him.
But as some parents do, I was so focused on him having a positive transition to this phase of life that I kind of forgot to prepare myself.  You’d think, as a counselor, I would have been better prepared.  I wasn’t. 

On the day I drove him to college it was a beautiful day.  Ideally beautiful.  We listened to his music all the way there and I soaked in every second of sharing this time with him.  We stopped to have Thai food before heading to campus.
When we got to campus we followed lines of directed traffic that eventually led to his dorm.  There were student volunteers to help unload the car and take my son’s belongings to his room.  I then parked the empty car in a nearby lot and walked back to his dorm room to help unpack what I could.  
And then, it was time to leave.  
I gave my son a big hug, told him to enjoy this—all of this— and said the usual mom things…I love him; to be safe; that his dad and I are proud of him; that we are always there for him and just a text away. 
And then I left. 
I walked back to the car and tears started to flow.  That seemed expected.  But the tears wouldn’t stop flowing.  That was not expected.  Ugh— I loathe crying.  I really do.  I know its healthy and cleansing and that our bodies need to do what they do— but still, I loathe it. I’m also the ultimate “ugly crier” who cannot hide the fact I’ve been crying.  My eyes instantly swell to three times their size, creating bags upon bags; my face becomes so blotchy it lasts for hours, long after the tears stop.  So imagine my face after an hour of crying…then three hours of crying…a full day of crying…2 days of crying…and still more tears on the third day.  I was a complete and utter mess.  I had moments of panic and irrational fear.  It took days for these feelings to subside and eventually calm. Still, even then,  I felt emotionally gutted. 
One beacon of light in all of this is that my husband was understanding, supportive, and not afraid of my constantly flowing tears.  He was grieving also.  He got it.  We both missed our son.  We were both untethered from our parenting roles for the first time and it was disorienting and heart-wrenching.  
Another beacon of light included a few unexpected conversations with neighbors and colleagues who shared their own experiences of grief when their children left home.  These small, intimate conversations were validating and made me remember that life is beautiful, in all of its bitter-sweetness.  
The best beacon of light, however, was realizing that, like any adjustment, a new normal settles in.  Things do get easier.  Joy and resolution return.  
We did get through it— slowly but surely.  For us it took a lot of Netflix, calming teas, extra walks with the dogs, and checking in with one another. Now, as a parent who has survived the experience (as you will also) I want to share some helpful things I learned in the process in case it’s helpful for any others about to go through the same transition.  

*** Some of these tips may also be helpful for adult children “leaving the nest” for the armed forces, traveling abroad for a semester, a new job, leaving home in general, etc. 


2-3 months before your child heads to college and/or leaves home 

• If you haven’t done so already, create some boards on Pinterest — or make lists— of things that inspire you, or that you want to try.  A few months from now, when your child has left home, these lists can be a resource for how to re-navigate your time and energy and/or cope with an empty nest.  Here are examples of such lists:
  • Places I want to travel (overnight, extended stays)
  • Day trips I’d like to go on 
  • Home improvement ideas 
  • DIY projects I’d love to try 
  • Favorite quotes/ Inspirational quotes
  • My bucket list
  • Recipes I want to try 
  • Photos and stories that bring me joy/ hope
  • Things that make me feel wonder and awe
  • Books I want to read
  • Movies, TV shows, and series I want to see
  • Ideas for care packages I can send my college kid
  • Articles about support for empty nesters
  • Memes and videos from the internet that make me laugh
• If you enjoy being around people you might consider signing up for a new class or join a group that starts late summer or early fall.  Regular social connection during a time of adjustment can be helpful for some people.
• Schedule your self care appointments for early fall now— some service providers have a wait list so it’s best to schedule any appointments ahead of time.  Whether it’s a salon appointment, massage, counseling, or fitness training, you’ll be glad you booked ahead of time. 
• Consider how you’ve dealt with past adjustments.  What helps you get through tough times?  List anything that helps.  Is there anything that has helped before that you can put into place now or when your child starts the semester?
• Journal and brainstorm what engages your self/soul in positive ways.  Do you have hobbies? Do you enjoy travel? Cooking/baking? Exploring trails or public gardens? Writing? Creating art or music? Volunteering? List all the things that interest you and make you feel good.  This will be a great go-to list for moments when you feel you’ve lost your compass and you need a direction to move in.  
• If you’re a person who enjoys cognitive activities, consider the following to add to your list of healthy distractions— puzzle books (sudoku, crossword, word finds, i.e.); documentaries you’d like to watch; podcasts you’d like to listen to; historical tours to go on; tracing your ancestry; jigsaw puzzles; writing a book or starting a blog; mapping out a future trip; raising money for a cause; or taking a new class. 

2-3 weeks before they leave

• Now’s a great time to discuss how you’ll communicate with each other while they’re at school.  What’s your child’s preferred method of communication? If your child wants to communicate via a specific app on their phone or other device, now is a good time to download it and spend the next couple weeks getting comfortable with it.   
• If your child welcomes letters and cards from home you can start shopping for those now.  Don’t forget there are online shops where you can purchase cards and vinyl stickers (for water bottles and laptops) on almost any subject.  So, even if your child loves a band, TV show/series, video game, or subject matter that is esoteric, quirky, and hard to find….chances are you can still order greeting cards, postcards, and stickers related to it.  
• If they’re willing and you’re able, help them shop for dorm items and school supplies.  
• Check in— ask if there is anything you can do to help them prepare for the transition college.  Let them know you’re there for them.
• If you use social media such as Facebook or Instagram, follow your child’s university or college for updates and insights about their new “home”.

Moving Day and Beyond

• Be gentle and kind with yourself.  Whatever feelings come up on this day, acknowledge and honor them.  If you feel like celebrating, celebrate.  If you need to grieve, grieve.  
• Calming teas with chamomile, valerian root, skullcap, or holy basil can help ease feelings of anxiety and grieving.  
• The homeopathic remedy Ignatia Amara (30c) can help with grief, loss, and major life adjustments — follow directions on the tube or bottle.  
• Check out those Pinterest boards or lists you made a few months ago— what new project can you start? What trip can you plan? What videos and memes might make you smile? 
• Increase the antioxidants in your diet.  During times of stress antioxidants are your friend.  So add extra green vegetables, dark leafy greens, and bright colored fruits and berries to your diet.  
• If you’re feeling anxious, irritable, restless, grief, indecisive, or any uncomfortable emotion for that matter….get out for a walk or try another physical activity.  Burn off excess adrenaline and stress, and get some calming endorphins in return.  
• Talk to someone….a friend, a loved one, other parents going through the empty nest adjustment, a counselor, etc. 
• Spend extra time with your pets. They are going through this adjustment as well, so plan on extra walks, snuggle time, play time, or extra visits to places that your pet loves.  
• If you haven’t done so yet, research articles about this adjustment phase.  Key phrases to search for include “empty nest”; “surviving empty nest”; “empty nest syndrome tips for coping”.  These articles can be a comfort because they let you know you’re not alone and that many others are going through the same thing right now.  You’ll also find helpful suggestions for getting through it.  
• Re-discover who you are.  If you’re like most parents, you’ve spent the last 18 or so years in parent-mode—putting your kids first, focused on getting through busy schedules, worrying about your child/children 24/7, living a life that is completely interwoven with theirs. Suddenly you’re untethered— to a degree— and it can be unsettling for many parents.  If you’ve ignored your own needs and wants for a while now,  then now is a great time to re-discover who you are and what you enjoy.