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Empty Nest Prep: When Adult Children Head to College

6/24/2019

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As a parent I knew that one day our son (who is an only child) would become an adult and leave home. But as prepared as I thought I was to manage that transition, in truth I wasn’t prepared at all.  I think this was the result of naivete’ as well as lack of knowledge and experience.  None of our close friends had been through this yet (we were all going through it at the same time) nor had anyone older shared words of wisdom with us about this phase of life. Strangely, even my social media feeds seemed to lack mention of college parents grieving when their kids left for college….only the occasional mention of missing them or how good it felt to have them home for holidays and vacations.  So, when the day came for me to drive our son to college, I was aware that our lives were about to shift but I had no idea how much.   
Now, of course, everyone experiences adjustment, change, loss, and rites of passage differently.  There are many parents who get through this experience with their hearts intact and even thrive as empty nesters in those initial first few months.  I had envisioned myself as being in the latter group— I had, afterall, spent 18 years encouraging my son to live life, explore, and make memories.  I was excited for him to be heading to college…to be leaving our small town and moving to a place where academia, diversity, and opportunity are embraced and celebrated.  I could feel his readiness to foster this new life.  I was overjoyed for him.
But as some parents do, I was so focused on him having a positive transition to this phase of life that I kind of forgot to prepare myself.  You’d think, as a counselor, I would have been better prepared.  I wasn’t. 

On the day I drove him to college it was a beautiful day.  Ideally beautiful.  We listened to his music all the way there and I soaked in every second of sharing this time with him.  We stopped to have Thai food before heading to campus.
When we got to campus we followed lines of directed traffic that eventually led to his dorm.  There were student volunteers to help unload the car and take my son’s belongings to his room.  I then parked the empty car in a nearby lot and walked back to his dorm room to help unpack what I could.  
And then, it was time to leave.  
I gave my son a big hug, told him to enjoy this—all of this— and said the usual mom things…I love him; to be safe; that his dad and I are proud of him; that we are always there for him and just a text away. 
And then I left. 
I walked back to the car and tears started to flow.  That seemed expected.  But the tears wouldn’t stop flowing.  That was not expected.  Ugh— I loathe crying.  I really do.  I know its healthy and cleansing and that our bodies need to do what they do— but still, I loathe it. I’m also the ultimate “ugly crier” who cannot hide the fact I’ve been crying.  My eyes instantly swell to three times their size, creating bags upon bags; my face becomes so blotchy it lasts for hours, long after the tears stop.  So imagine my face after an hour of crying…then three hours of crying…a full day of crying…2 days of crying…and still more tears on the third day.  I was a complete and utter mess.  I had moments of panic and irrational fear.  It took days for these feelings to subside and eventually calm. Still, even then,  I felt emotionally gutted. 
One beacon of light in all of this is that my husband was understanding, supportive, and not afraid of my constantly flowing tears.  He was grieving also.  He got it.  We both missed our son.  We were both untethered from our parenting roles for the first time and it was disorienting and heart-wrenching.  
Another beacon of light included a few unexpected conversations with neighbors and colleagues who shared their own experiences of grief when their children left home.  These small, intimate conversations were validating and made me remember that life is beautiful, in all of its bitter-sweetness.  
The best beacon of light, however, was realizing that, like any adjustment, a new normal settles in.  Things do get easier.  Joy and resolution return.  
We did get through it— slowly but surely.  For us it took a lot of Netflix, calming teas, extra walks with the dogs, and checking in with one another. Now, as a parent who has survived the experience (as you will also) I want to share some helpful things I learned in the process in case it’s helpful for any others about to go through the same transition.  

*** Some of these tips may also be helpful for adult children “leaving the nest” for the armed forces, traveling abroad for a semester, a new job, leaving home in general, etc. 


2-3 months before your child heads to college and/or leaves home 
  • If you haven’t done so already, create some boards on Pinterest — or make lists— of things that inspire you, or that you want to try.  A few months from now, when your child has left home, these lists can be a resource for how to re-navigate your time and energy and/or cope with an empty nest.  Here are examples of such lists:
    • Places I want to travel (overnight, extended stays)
    • Day trips I’d like to go on 
    • Home improvement ideas 
    • DIY projects I’d love to try 
    • Favorite quotes/ Inspirational quotes
    • My bucket list
    • Recipes I want to try 
    • Photos and stories that bring me joy/ hope
    • Things that make me feel wonder and awe
    • Books I want to read
    • Movies, TV shows, and series I want to see
    • Ideas for care packages I can send my college kid
    • Articles about support for empty nesters
    • Memes and videos from the internet that make me laugh
  • If you enjoy being around people you might consider signing up for a new class or join a group that starts late summer or early fall.  Regular social connection during a time of adjustment can be helpful for some people.
  • Schedule your self care appointments for early fall now— some service providers have a wait list so it’s best to schedule any appointments ahead of time.  Whether it’s a salon appointment, massage, counseling, or fitness training, you’ll be glad you booked ahead of time. 
  • Consider how you’ve dealt with past adjustments.  What helps you get through tough times?  List anything that helps.  Is there anything that has helped before that you can put into place now or when your child starts the semester?
  • Journal and brainstorm what engages your self/soul in positive ways.  Do you have hobbies? Do you enjoy travel? Cooking/baking? Exploring trails or public gardens? Writing? Creating art or music? Volunteering? List all the things that interest you and make you feel good.  This will be a great go-to list for moments when you feel you’ve lost your compass and you need a direction to move in.  
  • If you’re a person who enjoys cognitive activities, consider the following to add to your list of healthy distractions— puzzle books (sudoku, crossword, word finds, i.e.); documentaries you’d like to watch; podcasts you’d like to listen to; historical tours to go on; tracing your ancestry; jigsaw puzzles; writing a book or starting a blog; mapping out a future trip; raising money for a cause; or taking a new class. 

2-3 weeks before they leave
  • Now’s a great time to discuss how you’ll communicate with each other while they’re at school.  What’s your child’s preferred method of communication? If your child wants to communicate via a specific app on their phone or other device, now is a good time to download it and spend the next couple weeks getting comfortable with it.   
  • If your child welcomes letters and cards from home you can start shopping for those now.  Don’t forget there are online shops where you can purchase cards and vinyl stickers (for water bottles and laptops) on almost any subject.  So, even if your child loves a band, TV show/series, video game, or subject matter that is esoteric, quirky, and hard to find….chances are you can still order greeting cards, postcards, and stickers related to it.  
  • If they’re willing and you’re able, help them shop for dorm items and school supplies.  
  • Check in— ask if there is anything you can do to help them prepare for the transition college.  Let them know you’re there for them.
  • If you use social media such as Facebook or Instagram, follow your child’s university or college for updates and insights about their new “home”.

Moving Day and Beyond
  • Be gentle and kind with yourself.  Whatever feelings come up on this day, acknowledge and honor them.  If you feel like celebrating, celebrate.  If you need to grieve, grieve.  
  • Calming teas with chamomile, valerian root, skullcap, or holy basil can help ease feelings of anxiety and grieving.  
  • The homeopathic remedy Ignatia Amara (30c) can help with grief, loss, and major life adjustments — follow directions on the tube or bottle.  
  • Check out those Pinterest boards or lists you made a few months ago— what new project can you start? What trip can you plan? What videos and memes might make you smile? 
  • Increase the antioxidants in your diet.  During times of stress antioxidants are your friend.  So add extra green vegetables, dark leafy greens, and bright colored fruits and berries to your diet.  
  • If you’re feeling anxious, irritable, restless, grief, indecisive, or any uncomfortable emotion for that matter….get out for a walk or try another physical activity.  Burn off excess adrenaline and stress, and get some calming endorphins in return.  
  • Talk to someone….a friend, a loved one, other parents going through the empty nest adjustment, a counselor, etc. 
  • Spend extra time with your pets. They are going through this adjustment as well, so plan on extra walks, snuggle time, play time, or extra visits to places that your pet loves.  
  • If you haven’t done so yet, research articles about this adjustment phase.  Key phrases to search for include “empty nest”; “surviving empty nest”; “empty nest syndrome tips for coping”.  These articles can be a comfort because they let you know you’re not alone and that many others are going through the same thing right now.  You’ll also find helpful suggestions for getting through it.  
  • Re-discover who you are.  If you’re like most parents, you’ve spent the last 18 or so years in parent-mode—putting your kids first, focused on getting through busy schedules, worrying about your child/children 24/7, living a life that is completely interwoven with theirs. Suddenly you’re untethered— to a degree— and it can be unsettling for many parents.  If you’ve ignored your own needs and wants for a while now,  then now is a great time to re-discover who you are and what you enjoy. 




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Embracing the Heart of Winter

12/12/2017

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When it comes to winter weather I am one of “those” people who gets excited about the lack of sunlight, the stark winter landscape, and the snow.  I know, I know— this is a bit weird to some people and I’m often met with icy glares and sinister scoffing from my sun worshipping peers.  But in the interest of those who cringe at the thought of an encroaching winter, I thought I’d offer my favorite tips and suggestions for thriving in the winter months.  

First, winter is a wonderful time to “hibernate”.  Some refer to it as “hygge” (aka the Scandinavian term for sinking into the coziness of the season) — but for any group of people who cyclically live through winter, we also know it as “hunkering down”, “hibernating”, “wintering”, or even “disappearing”.  Perhaps it’s because I’m an introvert, but I love this aspect of winter the most.   Combine any of the following below to embrace the art of human hibernation.
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Winter Indoors

Get out the warm blankets—lots of them
 

There are so many blankets to mix and layer these days, from nostalgic wool blankets and family quilts to modern comforters and fleece throws.  Keep blankets in all the rooms where you spend time relaxing.  Make sure there are plenty for everyone-- including your pets--and snuggle up often.
Wear warm socks and slippers 
You can often find warm winter socks at craft fairs (made by your local knitters), at the farmers market, at a local venue, and of course online.  The advantage to buying socks locally means you can actually feel how thick, soft, and durable they are.  You can also get a better sense for the size.  When a cold winter’s day or night brings a chill in your home, put on a pair of warm socks and curl up in those blankets mentioned above.  

​Indulge in reading
This is a great time of year to lose yourself  in used books, new books, and shared books.  
  • If you are extroverted and/or experiencing “cabin fever”, organize a book club or book swap where you and friends gather to enjoy some yummy food and drink and then exchange books and/or discuss a book you’ve all read.  You can also gather for a movie night based on the book you’ve all read. 
  • Buy a few books you can turn to throughout the winter to pick up at anytime and read— keep them in common areas where you might sit down with a cup of coffee or tea.  
  • Use your local library to read the other books that you’ve been wanting to catch up on— put yourself on a waiting list for any books that are currently checked out and/or in high demand.  Also, make use of your library’s interlibrary loan service.  This serve allows you to borrow books from other libraries if your own library doesn’t have what you need.  
  • Write your own book. Have you been planning to write your own book for a while?  If so, winter can be a wonderful time of year for writing due to fewer distractions and more likelihood of being “snowed in” on occasion.  ​​

​Make and eat homemade comfort foods
I’m not talking junk food here— I’m talking about hearty soups, stews, and other foods that feel satisfying and comforting to eat.  These are the foods that warm you from the inside out and are perfect for days when it’s snowing, when you’ve been outdoors shoveling or skiing, or after a long day of work and a crappy commute. That’s the kind of food I’m talking about.  If you yourself are not a cook, seek out local places to buy from.  Sometimes your local bakers, caterers, or restaurants will have pot pies or soups to sell that are frozen.  You can tuck these in your freezer until needed.    
  • If you do enjoy cooking, winter is a great time to pull out the crock pots, slow cookers, dutch ovens, and soup kettles to make your favorite comfort foods.  
  • Invite friends over for a dinner party or a pot luck.
  • Experiment with a new type of baking or cooking— i.e. master the art of bread baking this winter, or explore a whole new cuisine.  This is where buying a new cookbook— or some online research— can help you expand on your cooking skills and interests.
 
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Make warm drinks
Winter is the perfect time to indulge in warm drinks:  Mulled apple cider.  Coffees.  Herbal teas.  Medicinal drinks.  Hot cocoa.  Chai.  Find your favorite brands and recipes for hot drinks and keep them on hand for chilly days.  

For a touch of extravagance add whipped cream, cinnamon sticks, anise stars, sprinkles of sugar or spice, or any other garnish to make your warm drinks more special.

For extra extra extravagance splurge on unique items such as tea that comes in shaped tea bags Or, try Butterfly Pea Flower Tea which is a gorgeous blue-hued tea that turns purple when you add lemon to it! 

Find a favorite mug for those warm drinks
In a world of too-many-mugs this is a rather simple suggestion.  However, if you’re going to spend an entire season in cold weather, a favorite mug for your hot drinks and soups can be a mood lifter.  Whether the mug is heavy and has a certain comfort to how it feels in your hands, to a mug with gorgeous or whimsical artwork, or a mug given to you by someone who holds your heart in their heart, or a mug that expresses your sense of humor….in the dark months of winter, a special mug can really make a difference on your mood and provide a sense of routine and comfort. 
Do “nothing”
Daydream.  Stare at the walls.  Notice the patterns on a quilt or a book cover.  Breathe. Watch the snow fall.  Feel the warmth of your blankets.  Snuggle with a pet.  Sip your coffee.  Watch the birds outside your window.  Listen to the traffic. Breathe some more. 

Take a nap
Grab a book and crawl under as many blankets as you can.  Read until you find yourself getting relaxed, warm, and sleepy.  Whether you fall asleep or not is fine— just giving your body a chance to rest is a wonderful gift to yourself. 

Get Crafty
Winter is a great enabler for crafty people like myself.  It’s not only a great time to peruse Pinterest and craft blogs for new projects to make, but it’s also a time to finish any craft projects you’ve started and/or explore new ones.
  • Send mail art to friends--it's an artsy and fun way to send a hello, and will most likely brighten their day!
  • Create something to add to the cozy decor of your room or home, such as new wall art or something to hang in the windows. 
  • Learn to knit...or if you're already a knitter, learn to knit something new.
  • Make an art journal— fill a sketchbook with various artwork and/or written material.  It can include anything from a picture you drew on a post it note while talking on the phone, a poem you wrote, experimental watercolor splotches, sketches, or whatever you regularly draw or write. Feel free to add collage items and ephemera such as ticket stubs, receipts from special events, photos, or words and pics cut out of magazines.
  • Invite your friends over for a creative gathering where everyone brings food or drink to share, along with a creative project to do.  ​

Do puzzles, play games
When I was a kid my grandparents loved to do jigsaw puzzles, especially the ones that contained “whimsy pieces” (puzzle pieces cut into specific shapes, such as a bird or an airplane).  There are still puzzle companies today that make high quality, artistic puzzles that include whimsy pieces in addition to other special features.  My favorite puzzles so far have come from Artifact Puzzles which are gorgeously made.   

Get a puzzle book—whether it’s sudoku, crosswords, or word finds it’s nice to have puzzle book around for those moments when your mind wants to be awake and engaged but you still want to curl up and relax.  

New board games and card games are released frequently for people of all ages. If games are something you enjoy, check to see if your local library has a lending library of games (yes, some do offer that!).  You can coordinate game night with family or friends.  

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Soak
Winter is a wonderful time to sink into a hot bubble bath, but that’s not a feasible option for everybody.  If you do not own a tub, a bubbly aromatic foot bath can be a wonderful alternative.  Purchase a plastic tub (like one you’d wash dishes in)  and fill it with comfortably warm/hot water.  You can add essential oil, epsom salts, flower petals (organic, non sprayed ones), or bath gel to the water as well.  Keep a couple towels nearby in case of spills and for when you are done and need to dry your feet.  

Add lighting
If you are prone to seasonal affective disorder and/or become low during winter months, it might be helpful to try a sunlamp.  Talk about this option with your doctor, naturopath, or counselor before trying it, however, just to rule out any risk factors and to make sure you're getting the best possible care for your mental health.  

Lighting in general can help you during especially dark months.  Add “twinkle lights” around areas where you spend the most time and/or invest in novelty lights or other lighting decor to brighten up your home.  

Winter Outdoors

Now that I’ve covered ways to endure the winter months indoors, let’s move on to the outdoor activities.  Winter is certainly a great time to go outside and play, regardless of whether you’re a child or adult.
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Build snow sculptures
Snow people are fun to build but don’t let yourself get stuck in a rut of only building snow people.  Try building something new— such as an upside down snow person…or a snow unicorn…or a snow cat.  You can also stack snowballs, create words on trees with sticky snow, make icicle art, and more.
Build a fort or an igloo 
Yes— really— even if you don’t have kids.  It’s not only great exercise but it’ll get your mind off of politics, the world news, and other stressors.  

If you do have kids, make sure to utilize the fort for unique opportunities such as bedtime stories (the kids get bundled up with their pajamas and you all bring blankets, flashlights, and lanterns to read stories in the fort). You can also have a picnic or tea party in the fort. 

Winter picnics
Picnics are not just for summer-- I actually prefer winter picnics over summer ones because they tend to be more adventurous and memorable.  Also, winter picnics at night are even more enchanting when you bring along candles and lanterns to light up your picnic area. 
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Winter sports and recreation 
Winter is the ultimate playground for many recreational activities such as ice hockey, ice skating, downhill skiing, cross country skiing, snowshoeing, snowboarding, sledding, and more.  If you don't already know whats available nearby, search online or ask community members for favorite spots like skating rinks and ponds, snowshoe trails, and sledding hills.  Don't forget to pack a Thermos full of hot soup or cocoa for the trip!
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​Blow bubbles and watch them freeze
These are the kind of bubbles you create by dipping a wand into soapy liquid and then blowing gently on the wand to make bubbles. If the weather is cold enough where you are, the bubbles will freeze.  Frozen bubbles are mesmerizing to watch — see how many you can get to stay perfectly balanced on top of snowfall.  To make things even more interesting use the "dark light bubbles" and shine a black light on them--the frozen bubbles will glow!  
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You can also use black light bubbles to decorate forts or sculptures for night photography.  

Feed the animals
I tend to feed our backyard friends year round.  However, when you want a little backyard entertainment, put out a special picnic or tea party for the animals; build a snow person with arms holding seed;  make hearts and other shapes in the snow using birdseed; or decorate an outdoor tree with garlands of cereal or berries or ornaments made from bread, nut butters, and birdseed.  

I hope this blog post gives you a starting place for ways to embrace the heart of winter--when all else fails, start planning your gardens for spring and summer and get those seeds ordered.  
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Calming Foot Baths for Children

3/8/2017

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When your child is having an especially rough day, or needs a little extra nurturing, try a kid-friendly foot soak.  It’s a gentle, but playful, way to encourage your child to slow down for a moment, reboot their sensory regulation, and take a few deep breaths.  For some kids these are wonderful in place of a shower or bath at bedtime; for some they are helpful as part of a regular ritual for self regulation and sensory input/calming; and for some kids they work beautifully as a special treat or even just for fun. 
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Foot bath essentials:
  • A durable tub or bowl big enough for your child's feet
  • Warm water
  • A few bath towels to put under the foot bath to soak up any spills and to dry wet feet 

Additional/optional:
  • a small handful of Epsom Salts to aid tired or achy muscles
  • a drop of essential oil that is good for calming (i.e. lavender oil)
  • a handful of dried or fresh flowers known for calming, i.e. chamomile or lavender
  • a “fizzy bath bomb” — especially enjoyable for kids who love sensory input
  • a layer of smooth stones or marbles to roll the feet over for a massage or sensory input
  • bubble bath—lots and lots of bubbles!
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A whole other level of foot bathing:

Make a themed foot bath, such as a Dinosaur or Mermaid foot bath.  You can add additional stones or shells to the bath.  Small bath-friendly toys or figurines can be added as well.  

Helpful suggestions:
  • Be mindful of allergies before adding anything like flowers or dyes to the water.  These are frequently used in bath products and some children may be sensitive to them. 
  • Supervise your child at all times while they have a foot bath. Foot baths create slippery feet, so encourage your child to remain seated.  In addition, if your child is active or apt to stand up, do not put marbles (or other items likely to roll under feet) on the bottom of the foot bath.
  • Wash any stones or shells before adding them to the water.
  • ​Make sure any stones or shells you add to the bath are not sharp.  
  • If your child is having a foot soak before bed, it’s a great time to read to them while they are settling down and relaxing.  
  • Foot baths are a great activity for playdates and parties.  Messy, yes…but fun.
  • Cold foot baths in summer are cooling for the feet and body.
  • End the foot bath by drying your child’s feet with a soft towel.  
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With any luck, you’ll be able to enjoy a foot soak alongside your child, too.  When your child sees you taking a moment to nurture yourself and relax, you’ll be role modeling self care and relaxation for your child.  So, join in the ritual when you can.  


Bonnie Thomas
Indigo North Counseling, LLC
​Copyright 2017


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Art Therapy 

2/19/2017

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Art therapy is an intervention and treatment modality I use a lot at my private practice.  Not only can it be used in conjunction with other therapy models, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, it can be used with all ages and abilities. 
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I use art therapy in many forms at Indigo North Counseling, LLC— from drawing and painting to multimedia projects.  I use photography, mandalas, collage, writing, triptychs, shrines, totems, life maps, altered books, found objects art, dreamcatchers, storytelling, and more. 
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Art taps into a whole different language for people to express themselves and share their stories. You don’t have to be adept at using words, or explaining things verbally, or remembering linear details of your life when you use art as a language.  The colors, textures, symbols, and details speak for themselves— through metaphor, through process, through creation, and through release. 
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If you have a general interest in using art therapy to help you through a part of your life, to explore who you are, or to express any feelings, you may find some of the online activities to be helpful (use the keywords “art therapy activity” in your search engine).  
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However, if you need or desire more directed activity based on your unique needs, art therapy with a counselor or art therapist is recommended. Art therapy can be used to help with depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, acute stress, mood disregulation, self esteem, stress management, self care, adjustment to change, grief/loss, and more.  

The next time you look for a boost to your well being, don't forget to consider art as part of your self care regimen. 



Bonnie Thomas, LCSW
Indigo North Counseling, LLC
Copyright 2017 

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When Comfort Zones Fracture

11/30/2016

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Comfort Zones are those places, physical and metaphorical, that provide respite.  They can be places of residence, i.e. your own home or a loved ones home. They can be natural spaces such as the mountains, a forest, or the beach.  They can be places of sanctuary, prayer, and meditation. And comfort zones can also be needs or wants that regulate your level of comfort-- i.e. if someone  asks you to do something that doesn't feel right, or feel good, you might find yourself saying, "No--that's out of my comfort zone".  
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Comfort zones provide the space for us to reflect on our experiences.  People are not well equipped to process a lot of information (external and internal) when under stress, so finding and utilizing time to retreat to a safe and comfortable space allows us to truly think about, and feel, what is going on around us and within us.  
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But what happens when our comfort zones fracture? For example, what if the friend we always turn to for support is not available? What if a location where we typically find comfort is currently off limits? 

Comfort zones will fracture and evolve from time to time which is why I often suggest making sure you have a selection of comfort zones to begin with.  Diversifying is key. Here are various examples to consider:
  • Home itself-- some consider "home" to be their comfort zone.
  • A place within your home-- even if home is chaotic, there may be that one chair or one place in your residence that feels more comforting than the rest.
  • Comforting objects-- i.e. that favorite hoodie or pair of jeans; a piece of memorabilia; your smartphone.
  • A place-- i.e. a favorite coffee shop; a place you go to for support or solace such as a church, a weekly yoga class, or an AA group; a favorite getaway/vacation spot; a local garden or trail where you feel calm and at ease. 
  • A friend who really "gets" you and listens to you.
  • Foods-- the infamous "comfort foods", whatever those may be for you. 
  • Rituals-- those things we do each day that bring a sense of normalcy and routine-- getting a cup of tea, meditating, reading a book, walking the dog. 
  • Hobbies and passions-- i.e. making art, singing loudly to your favorite songs, dancing, writing, shopping, hiking, running, etc.
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​If you expand on the meaning and breadth of "comfort zones" you will be better prepared if one (or more) of your zones "fracture".  For example, if you move to a new place you might suddenly find yourself feeling out of sorts, whether you have moved across town or out of the country. While you adjust to the new feeling of "home" and orient yourself to new surroundings, you can still connect with close friends, keep familar routines, wear a favorite piece of clothing, or immerse yourself in a favorite activity.  Before you know it, you will have created new comfort zones and/or your fractured zones will be accessible once again. 
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Trauma Anniversaries -- Creating Safety and Space on Difficult Anniversary Dates

9/19/2016

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Many people who have experienced a traumatic event know that the annual anniversary of that event, and each year thereafter, can be emotionally challenging.  There are always exceptions, of course-- some people can experience the death of a loved one, a divorce, or a harrowing event and not notice any change in affect or physical symptoms on the anniversary.  For many people, however, the anniversary can create a sense of angst and side effects:  a feeling of unease, disrupted sleep, a feeling of dread regarding the anniversary, anxiety and restlessness, depression, grief and sadness, lack of focus and decreased attention, irritability, and more.  

However, there are ways to care for your mind, body, and spirit prior to the anniversary, and throughout, to get through it (and even feel stronger to deal with it).

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  1. Be proactive-- Schedule some self care prior to the anniversary. Examples of self care would be attending a class in yoga, art, or meditation; going to counseling or a support group (i.e. AA or NA); spending a weekend with friends and loved ones; attending a retreat; getting a massage or going to a spa; getting a one month gym membership, etc…  If you are low on cash or on a tight budget, schedule daily walks with a friend; meditate each day; get creative with art, journalling, or adult coloring books; have extra bubble baths; eat healthy meals; and/or spend time with loved ones. Whatever it is that relaxes you or feeds your soul, put it in your calendar prior to the anniversary.
  2. Acknowledge and care for your triggers.
    1. Smaller, more manageable triggers: Use those basic calming skills such as taking deep breaths, taking a brisk walk to burn off excess adrenaline, or calling a supportive friend.   In addition, keep self care items on hand for when uncomfortable feelings arise, such as tissues and extra makeup (in case you get teary); a natural remedy, such as Rescue Remedy, that helps reduce anxiety; an inspirational quote that helps you get through difficult moments; a piece of sour or spicy candy; or a worry stone/other comforting object to hold onto.   
    2. Larger, more intrusive triggers: consider counseling in one of the following “evidence based practices” that addresses triggers, phobias, and extreme anxiety.
      1. Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TFCBT)
      2. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
      3. Prolonged Exposure Therapy
      4. Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)
  3. Acknowledge and commemorate the event in a way that suits your personality and needs.  Here is a partial list of ideas:
    1. Donate money or donate blood for a cause related to the event.
    2. Complete 10 acts of kindness (or other chosen number) to “counteract” some of the negative feelings about the anniversary; or complete the acts of kindness in memory of someone who passed away.
    3. Create a ritual for yourself where you honor what you have survived and endured-- light a special candle for yourself; write down your feelings and thoughts about the event, burn it, and release the ashes; hike a mountain; say a special prayer.
    4. Collect a special item each year near the anniversary-- this may sound like a strange suggestion but hear me out on this one.  I know a person who buys herself a pair of “kick ass” boots on each anniversary.  She loves the quote about walking a mile in someone’s shoes--the boots are worn as a reminder of what she has been through and what she can conquer.  She wears the boots on days when she needs a little extra “kick”.  In this way, she honors her trauma anniversary and her own power over the event.  I know another person who started collecting angels--she now buys an angel on each year near her trauma anniversary.  Yet another person writes a new song each year about what he is still learning from his trauma and how the effects of it weave its way into his life each year. So, your “collected item” can be fun and inspirational, it can be in memory of someone, or it can be part of an ongoing story that you tell about your experience with the event.
    5. Celebrate your survival -- invite friends over and celebrate in a way that makes you feel strong, connected, and proud of what you have survived. This works well in cases like surviving cancer or surviving a messy divorce.
    6. Quiet reflection-- schedule a section of time where you turn off all screens and distractions.  Take that quiet time to reflect on what you have been through and what you have gained as a result.  
    7. Complete this creative directive:  Draw a horizon line on a piece of paper.  Below the horizon is where the traumatic event is -- it is underground and in the past.  Draw or write something to depict this traumatic event below the horizon line.  Next, draw or list the things you learned or gained as a result of the traumatic event -- do so above the horizon line.   You can be as detailed as you like-- some traumatic events have several components to it, and in these cases you can draw lines or other connectors to different areas of the event to mark what you learned or gained from them. I’ve seen responses such as “I got my dog after the event to help me feel safe again-- I can’t imagine my life without her now.  She was a huge part of my healing and recovery”;  “I had to learn how to care for things in the house after my partner died-- I’ve learned some basic plumbing and ‘fixer-upper’ skills”; “I met a whole new community and support group of people I now call close friends”.  Keep in mind that just because you learned or gained something from the traumatic event does not mean you have to appreciate it or even like it...it can be challenging to appreciate anything that comes from such an awful event.  But this exercise does help to reframe your thinking to the possibility that something good can arise from bad experiences--  this change in perspective (no matter how slight) can be healing for some people.   
    8. If you feel like hurting yourself or others, call 911 or your local emergency crisis number.  

There are more ways to get through a trauma anniversary--if you need or want more ideas you can research the topic of “trauma anniversaries” online, seek professional support, or reach out to loved ones for additional ideas.  

Bonnie Thomas, LCSW
Indigo North Counseling, LLC
Copyright 2016

http://www.indigonorthcounseling.com

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1 Comment

Life Altering Changes 101

9/13/2016

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Change comes in many forms.  The small changes in life are typically the more manageable ones, such as learning to ride a bike or making a new friend.  But there are changes-- life altering changes-- that require a whole different set of resources (internal and external) to manage.  Life altering changes include the death of a loved one, leaving a long term relationship, transitioning to a new identity, “coming out”, bringing a new child or sibling into the family, a traumatic event, leaving home for the first time, etc. ​
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As many of you know already, change is messy and exhausting-- sometimes even the “happy” changes can be messy and exhausting too.   Change also requires patience even when each and every cell in your body is screaming that it wants things to feel comfortable and okay and familiar RIGHT NOW.  

In an ideal world, at least in my ideal world, each of us would be compassionate and open minded to other people’s experiences, especially during these life changing ones.  In addition, we would also be more gentle with ourselves.

That being said, here are reminders and tips for getting through those life altering changes, as well how to help others going through the same.  

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Self Care during difficult changes:

  1. Reach out to friends, loved ones, and professionals who can offer support.
  2. Get plenty of rest, nutrients, fresh air, and hydration.
  3. Find an outlet for your emotions-- i.e. art, music, counseling, exercise, journaling.
  4. Allow yourself the space to cry if needed.  
  5. Create mini self-care kits to help you move forward after a good cry-- buy or repurpose a few makeup bags and pack them with a small pack of tissues, an instant cooling pack for your eyes, eye drops, a change in makeup, and sunglasses.  Keep the kits in your car, the bathroom, your office desk, etc...anywhere you might need access to one.  
  6. Find “your people”-- join an online or local support group of others going through the same or similar experience as you.  
  7. Remind yourself that change is uncomfortable and it’s okay to feel that discomfort.
  8. Keep a Gratitude Journal during this time-- I know that sounds counterintuitive but when you are adjusting to a whole new life, identity, or situation, everything can feel challenging, raw, and unforgivingly bleek.  A Gratitude Journal can help bring your mind and awareness to the things that are still going right and still feel familiar.  Write down all the positives that happen for you each day, whether it’s someone holding the door open for you, watching a new episode of a favorite series, or finding pleasure in something as simple as that first cup of coffee of the day.
  9. Take one photograph a day to document your journey and what you are going through.  Even if you never share it with anyone, you can look back and see that yes, this was a difficult change and yes, you survived it.   You’ll have a solid visual of what you endured.
  10. Pack yourself some bottled water and a healthy snack for tomorrow.  
  11. Write inspiring quotes and phrases on Post It notes and leave them where you can find them.
  12. Watch video clips of things that make you smile.  Sloths wearing jammies?  Snoop Dogg narrating nature videos?  Toonces the Driving Cat?
  13. As you start to find comfort and routine again, consider finding ways to help others.
  14. If you feel alone, depressed, isolated, or have thoughts about suicide, call your doctor or counselor or very best friend and be honest.  Ask for help.

How to be supportive to loved ones facing life-altering changes:

  1. Tell them, “I’m here if you want to talk.”
  2. If they do talk to you about what’s going on, listen.  Fight the urge to give advice or judge the people involved...just listen.  Let them know, “I’m so glad you talked to me about this.”
  3. Consider dropping off --or mailing--a “care package”.  Care packages can include items such as:
    1. Things to soothe red eyes and raw throats from crying-- tissues, eye drops, eye masks, ice cream, soup, cough drops or throat lozenges.
    2. A card that lets them know you are thinking of them.
    3. Natural remedies that help with anxiety, grief, or trauma such as arnica homeopathic pellets or Rescue Remedy.  
    4. Bubble bath, shower gel, and/or a battery operated candle (your friend might be stressed enough to leave a candle unattended, so a battery one that flickers like a real candle is a relaxing substitute).
    5. A few “nutrient-dense” snacks -- i.e. trail mix, dried fruit, nuts, protein bars.
    6. A special blanket to wrap up in.
    7. An audio book they’d enjoy.  
    8. A blank journal, an adult coloring book, and some art supplies to get creative.
    9. A gift card to their favorite coffee place or online store.
  4. Organize your friends, neighbors, family and/ or colleagues to make and deliver meals to the person and/or their family.  
  5. If your friend or loved one’s life altering change involves their identity, such as being transgender, remind yourself they are still the same person you have always known; use the person’s correct pronoun and name (this may take a lot of practice and repeating); and be an ally as much as you possibly can.  
  6. If your friend or loved one’s life altering change involves a death, it’s okay to talk about it (unless they ask you not to for now).  One of the hardest things for grieving people is when others stop talking about the person or pet that passed away.  Many grieving people want to share their memories and stories about their loved one.
  7. If they have a dog or a young child, offer to join them for a walk.  
  8. Spend time with them, especially if they seem to be isolating themselves or “disappearing”.  Offer to bring over a movie and “take-out".  
  9. Create a daily check in time-- i.e. each day at 3pm check in via text message, phone, or Facebook message to see if they need anything and just to let them know you are there for them.
  10. If your friend or loved one just had a baby or adopted a child, plan a weekly time that you can go over to help.  Let your friend nap, shower, or just stare at the wall while you take care of the child...at least for an hour or so. If the child is just not going to cooperate with this plan, then cook a meal or wash the dishes while your friend cares for the child.
  11. Keep the lines of communication open-- if you are having difficulty as well, let them know.  It’s okay to say, “This is a big change for me also, but we will get through it -- together.”
  12. Look online for other ways to support your friend through this particular change.  Search for key phrases like “how to help my friend going through a divorce”.

There are so many more ways to be gentle and real with yourself --and others --during a life altering change but I hope these lists serve as a good starting place.  

Bonnie Thomas, LCSW

Indigo North Counseling
Copyright 2016
www.indigonorthcounseling.com
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Finding Hearts-- A practice in mindfulness and grounding

9/8/2016

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Like many adults, I am constantly navigating the world of coping strategies to see which ones help me feel and function better.  One of my favorite strategies is Finding Hearts.  It's not a commonly listed strategy in self help books (in fact, I may have made this one up).  However, when I am feeling uncomfortable, overwhelmed, or having a particularly rough moment, I look for hearts.  
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Looking for hearts does a few things for my state of mind and well being:

1. It's a practice in grounding.  Grounding is a technique used to decrease emotional distress that accommodates anxiety attacks, dissociation, PTSD and other intense emotional states.  Grounding means bringing yourself to the present moment by checking in with your senses (what do you smell, hear, taste, feel, or see around you at the moment); checking in with your surroundings (look around you, identify where you are or what is in your view); and also checking in with yourself (say your name to yourself, state the date and time of day).  Grounding basically means you pull yourself to the present moment.  Finding hearts is one way to bring yourself to the present moment:  scan your immediate surroundings;  see if you can find any hearts hidden in the clouds, in the ceiling tiles, in the food you are eating, on your clothing, in the trees, etc... 
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2. Its a practice in focus.  My ADD can take on a life of it's own and there are times when simply looking around for hearts helps my brain and body slow down enough so I can pay better attention to other details. 
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3. It's a practice in mindfulness.  Mindfulness is observing the details of your surroundings (even your "inner surroundings"-- your feelings and state of mind) and being fully present in the moment. 
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4. The creative part of me simply loves this activity-- for me it feels like a mini-recess for my brain.  It's playful, it's creative, and it's a nice break from the routine of the day that can be done in seconds or minutes.
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5. The metaphysical/spiritual/curious part of me can't help but love the fact that we are surrounded by hidden hearts everywhere. 
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6. Photographing the hearts you find and sharing them (i.e. on social media) is a simple and fun way to connect with others. Once you start sharing them, you may find that your friends and loved ones start sending them to you as well.  


Bonnie Thomas, LCSW
Indigo North Counseling
Copyright 2016
www.indigonorthcounseling.com
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Painting Spirit Stones

9/7/2016

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When I need to find my balance or quiet my heart and soul, I create art.  Art is my favorite form of therapy and self expression.  One of my most treasured art projects is making these Spirit Stones.
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While walking various trails or beaches I collect rocks that are flat.  Scanning the earth for rocks is calming and centering in and of itself.  I keep the rocks in a jar until I have one of those days where my head is running full speed ahead and just needs
to
slow
down.
​
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Then I paint a bunch of these stones all at once.  I use various pens-- from oil based ink, to chalk pens, to permanent markers.  Some of my favorite patterns and images include feathers, arrows, a compass rose, spirals, geometric shapes, words of inspiration, eyes, and mandalas.  Try making your own and see if it calms and centers you also! The rocks can be placed around your home or office to remind you to relax, to inspire you, or to bring some creative energy to your space.  
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I keep supplies on hand at Indigo North Counseling, LLC to make these stones with clients of all ages-- sometimes we make them as Spirit Stones, other times we add them to other projects or create them for "worry stones".  

Bonnie Thomas, LCSW
Indigo North Counseling
Copyright 2016
www.indigonorthcounseling.com
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