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Empty Nest Prep: When Adult Children Head to College

6/24/2019

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As a parent I knew that one day our son (who is an only child) would become an adult and leave home. But as prepared as I thought I was to manage that transition, in truth I wasn’t prepared at all.  I think this was the result of naivete’ as well as lack of knowledge and experience.  None of our close friends had been through this yet (we were all going through it at the same time) nor had anyone older shared words of wisdom with us about this phase of life. Strangely, even my social media feeds seemed to lack mention of college parents grieving when their kids left for college….only the occasional mention of missing them or how good it felt to have them home for holidays and vacations.  So, when the day came for me to drive our son to college, I was aware that our lives were about to shift but I had no idea how much.   
Now, of course, everyone experiences adjustment, change, loss, and rites of passage differently.  There are many parents who get through this experience with their hearts intact and even thrive as empty nesters in those initial first few months.  I had envisioned myself as being in the latter group— I had, afterall, spent 18 years encouraging my son to live life, explore, and make memories.  I was excited for him to be heading to college…to be leaving our small town and moving to a place where academia, diversity, and opportunity are embraced and celebrated.  I could feel his readiness to foster this new life.  I was overjoyed for him.
But as some parents do, I was so focused on him having a positive transition to this phase of life that I kind of forgot to prepare myself.  You’d think, as a counselor, I would have been better prepared.  I wasn’t. 

On the day I drove him to college it was a beautiful day.  Ideally beautiful.  We listened to his music all the way there and I soaked in every second of sharing this time with him.  We stopped to have Thai food before heading to campus.
When we got to campus we followed lines of directed traffic that eventually led to his dorm.  There were student volunteers to help unload the car and take my son’s belongings to his room.  I then parked the empty car in a nearby lot and walked back to his dorm room to help unpack what I could.  
And then, it was time to leave.  
I gave my son a big hug, told him to enjoy this—all of this— and said the usual mom things…I love him; to be safe; that his dad and I are proud of him; that we are always there for him and just a text away. 
And then I left. 
I walked back to the car and tears started to flow.  That seemed expected.  But the tears wouldn’t stop flowing.  That was not expected.  Ugh— I loathe crying.  I really do.  I know its healthy and cleansing and that our bodies need to do what they do— but still, I loathe it. I’m also the ultimate “ugly crier” who cannot hide the fact I’ve been crying.  My eyes instantly swell to three times their size, creating bags upon bags; my face becomes so blotchy it lasts for hours, long after the tears stop.  So imagine my face after an hour of crying…then three hours of crying…a full day of crying…2 days of crying…and still more tears on the third day.  I was a complete and utter mess.  I had moments of panic and irrational fear.  It took days for these feelings to subside and eventually calm. Still, even then,  I felt emotionally gutted. 
One beacon of light in all of this is that my husband was understanding, supportive, and not afraid of my constantly flowing tears.  He was grieving also.  He got it.  We both missed our son.  We were both untethered from our parenting roles for the first time and it was disorienting and heart-wrenching.  
Another beacon of light included a few unexpected conversations with neighbors and colleagues who shared their own experiences of grief when their children left home.  These small, intimate conversations were validating and made me remember that life is beautiful, in all of its bitter-sweetness.  
The best beacon of light, however, was realizing that, like any adjustment, a new normal settles in.  Things do get easier.  Joy and resolution return.  
We did get through it— slowly but surely.  For us it took a lot of Netflix, calming teas, extra walks with the dogs, and checking in with one another. Now, as a parent who has survived the experience (as you will also) I want to share some helpful things I learned in the process in case it’s helpful for any others about to go through the same transition.  

*** Some of these tips may also be helpful for adult children “leaving the nest” for the armed forces, traveling abroad for a semester, a new job, leaving home in general, etc. 


2-3 months before your child heads to college and/or leaves home 
  • If you haven’t done so already, create some boards on Pinterest — or make lists— of things that inspire you, or that you want to try.  A few months from now, when your child has left home, these lists can be a resource for how to re-navigate your time and energy and/or cope with an empty nest.  Here are examples of such lists:
    • Places I want to travel (overnight, extended stays)
    • Day trips I’d like to go on 
    • Home improvement ideas 
    • DIY projects I’d love to try 
    • Favorite quotes/ Inspirational quotes
    • My bucket list
    • Recipes I want to try 
    • Photos and stories that bring me joy/ hope
    • Things that make me feel wonder and awe
    • Books I want to read
    • Movies, TV shows, and series I want to see
    • Ideas for care packages I can send my college kid
    • Articles about support for empty nesters
    • Memes and videos from the internet that make me laugh
  • If you enjoy being around people you might consider signing up for a new class or join a group that starts late summer or early fall.  Regular social connection during a time of adjustment can be helpful for some people.
  • Schedule your self care appointments for early fall now— some service providers have a wait list so it’s best to schedule any appointments ahead of time.  Whether it’s a salon appointment, massage, counseling, or fitness training, you’ll be glad you booked ahead of time. 
  • Consider how you’ve dealt with past adjustments.  What helps you get through tough times?  List anything that helps.  Is there anything that has helped before that you can put into place now or when your child starts the semester?
  • Journal and brainstorm what engages your self/soul in positive ways.  Do you have hobbies? Do you enjoy travel? Cooking/baking? Exploring trails or public gardens? Writing? Creating art or music? Volunteering? List all the things that interest you and make you feel good.  This will be a great go-to list for moments when you feel you’ve lost your compass and you need a direction to move in.  
  • If you’re a person who enjoys cognitive activities, consider the following to add to your list of healthy distractions— puzzle books (sudoku, crossword, word finds, i.e.); documentaries you’d like to watch; podcasts you’d like to listen to; historical tours to go on; tracing your ancestry; jigsaw puzzles; writing a book or starting a blog; mapping out a future trip; raising money for a cause; or taking a new class. 

2-3 weeks before they leave
  • Now’s a great time to discuss how you’ll communicate with each other while they’re at school.  What’s your child’s preferred method of communication? If your child wants to communicate via a specific app on their phone or other device, now is a good time to download it and spend the next couple weeks getting comfortable with it.   
  • If your child welcomes letters and cards from home you can start shopping for those now.  Don’t forget there are online shops where you can purchase cards and vinyl stickers (for water bottles and laptops) on almost any subject.  So, even if your child loves a band, TV show/series, video game, or subject matter that is esoteric, quirky, and hard to find….chances are you can still order greeting cards, postcards, and stickers related to it.  
  • If they’re willing and you’re able, help them shop for dorm items and school supplies.  
  • Check in— ask if there is anything you can do to help them prepare for the transition college.  Let them know you’re there for them.
  • If you use social media such as Facebook or Instagram, follow your child’s university or college for updates and insights about their new “home”.

Moving Day and Beyond
  • Be gentle and kind with yourself.  Whatever feelings come up on this day, acknowledge and honor them.  If you feel like celebrating, celebrate.  If you need to grieve, grieve.  
  • Calming teas with chamomile, valerian root, skullcap, or holy basil can help ease feelings of anxiety and grieving.  
  • The homeopathic remedy Ignatia Amara (30c) can help with grief, loss, and major life adjustments — follow directions on the tube or bottle.  
  • Check out those Pinterest boards or lists you made a few months ago— what new project can you start? What trip can you plan? What videos and memes might make you smile? 
  • Increase the antioxidants in your diet.  During times of stress antioxidants are your friend.  So add extra green vegetables, dark leafy greens, and bright colored fruits and berries to your diet.  
  • If you’re feeling anxious, irritable, restless, grief, indecisive, or any uncomfortable emotion for that matter….get out for a walk or try another physical activity.  Burn off excess adrenaline and stress, and get some calming endorphins in return.  
  • Talk to someone….a friend, a loved one, other parents going through the empty nest adjustment, a counselor, etc. 
  • Spend extra time with your pets. They are going through this adjustment as well, so plan on extra walks, snuggle time, play time, or extra visits to places that your pet loves.  
  • If you haven’t done so yet, research articles about this adjustment phase.  Key phrases to search for include “empty nest”; “surviving empty nest”; “empty nest syndrome tips for coping”.  These articles can be a comfort because they let you know you’re not alone and that many others are going through the same thing right now.  You’ll also find helpful suggestions for getting through it.  
  • Re-discover who you are.  If you’re like most parents, you’ve spent the last 18 or so years in parent-mode—putting your kids first, focused on getting through busy schedules, worrying about your child/children 24/7, living a life that is completely interwoven with theirs. Suddenly you’re untethered— to a degree— and it can be unsettling for many parents.  If you’ve ignored your own needs and wants for a while now,  then now is a great time to re-discover who you are and what you enjoy. 




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Is Your Child Afraid of the Dark?

2/6/2019

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A common fear in childhood is being afraid of the dark, and as adults we can help children alleviate that fear.  The following post lists some of my favorite ways to encourage children to enjoy the dark using the "language" children speak best— play and wonder. 
Before exploring ways to make the dark a safe place to play and explore,  however, I want to address the topic of horror films.  If your home has any horror films in it's library, and/or you have people watching horror films when a child is present in your home, I'd encourage you to keep those films out of reach and not watch such films in the presence of children.  This is true of any filmography intended for a mature audience.  Young children (some older ones as well) are not developmentally and emotionally mature enough to handle the content of horror films-- heightened fear and anxiety are likely to follow, no matter how minimal the exposure.  
That being said, let's talk about fun activities that encourage children to dim the lights or play in the dark:

1. Play with shadow puppets.  You can search online for tutorials on making your own shadow puppets and/or search for where to purchase them.  The advantage of making your own is that you can create an imaginative mix of characters and scenery that is “one of a kind” and of your child’s own imagination.  The advantage of buying them is the convenience of not crafting them—because not everyone enjoys making arts and crafts or has the time to make them. The shadow puppets in these photos were created by Andrea Everman of Owly Shadow Puppets. ​
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2. Make hand shadows.  You and your child can use a flashlight to create fun shadows on the wall. Your local library most likely has a book or two on how to make the classic hand shadows.  If your library does not have them, ask them about interlibrary loan— you may be able to borrow from another library.
3. Make (or purchase) a silhouette lantern. These lanterns are especially enchanting for children, and they will want to use these lanterns both for play (they are perfect blanket fort lights) and as night lights.  I purchased the one below from Loren Morris at Primitive Witchery here: www.etsy.com/shop/PrimWitchery?ref=l2-shopheader-name You can also follow a tutorial such as this one to make your own (this one starts off with Christmas themed lanterns but if you scroll down you will find other designs to create): www.adventure-in-a-box.com/magical-christmas-lanterns/
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4. Make a tin can lantern with your child and then light them up at night for a night walk, or use it as a night light. Battery operated tea lights can be used in lanterns for younger children.    https://www.hgtv.com/design/make-and-celebrate/handmade/how-to-make-a-tin-can-lantern
5. Have an evening tea party where the only lighting is candles or twinkle lights.  You can also serve tea that helps with sleep, such as chamomile tea. 
6. Use bathtub lights.  These lights are waterproof and designed for bath time, but they also work well as night-lights and as characters for night play (in or out of the tub).  You can search online for "floating lights", "bathtub lights", or even "hot tub lights". Swans, jellyfish, rubber duckies, and more are available for purchase.  There are also planetarium lights and other decorative lights for the tub.
7. 
Play with "play props" and toys that light up.  These include miniatures (i.e found at craft stores and hobby shops) like the campfire pictured below.  These light up play props can be used for both indoor and outdoor night play. 
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Battery operated tea lights can also be used with figurines:
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8. Play board games and card games that need to be played in the dark. For example, Mistiboo is a spooky version of Old Maid.  The card images glow in the dark, which means you can play this game with the lights out.  Another game, Shadows In The Forest, (not pictured) involves hiding creatures called Shadowlings in tree shadows which are created by trees and a lantern that come with the game.  If you have a local library that has board games in it’s lending library, ask them if they’re able to purchase one of these night games for patrons to borrow. 
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9. Visit your local library to check out books that will ignite your child’s sense of wonder about the night.  Some kids love enchanting picture books that feature night themes and stories that take place at night, such as Dream Animals--A Bedtime Journey, by Emily Winfield Martin.  Other kids may find non fiction books about the night more appealing, such as those about constellations, bioluminescence, and nocturnal animals. 
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10. Go outside to play before bedtime— this works especially well in winter months when the sun sets earlier.   You can bring some figurines outside for your child to play with, if needed.  And, if you have any "light up" play props, bring those as well.  When it’s snowy outside, take advantage of the snow by using it to dig out caves and caverns for characters.  Lights illuminating the snow (especially in the snow caves) create magical playscapes.  
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11. Winter is also a wonderful time to take advantage of any snow forts your child has built.  Bring flashlights or lanterns out to the fort at night for bedtime stories or snack time.
12. Go on a night picnic.  
13. Sit by a campfire.  Regardless of the season, campfires provide many opportunities for storytelling and music, quiet contemplation, marshmallow roasting, and the primal joy of sitting next to the fire.
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14. Watch a celestial event such as a meteor shower or Northern Lights.  spaceweather.com offers updates for when these are likely to occur. 
15. Visit a planetarium.
16. Create snow sculptures during the day and then light them up at night. For example, we made a Godzilla creature once and put a sparkler in it's mouth.  Other ideas include making snow dragons where tea lights can be placed in the dragon’s nostrils;  or make "snow people" holding lights in their hands; create snow sculpted jellyfish that light up, etc…  the possibilities are endless.  (Of note-- by day, Godzilla served as a bird feeder.  Those "hands" are full of peanuts and sunflower seeds.  It was entertaining to see birds landing in his arms.)
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17. Play with glow in the dark bubbles (aka black light bubbles).  There are online tutorials for how to make your own, but I purchased mine. Either way, you will need a black light flashlight to view these bubbles.  However, if you have the means to enjoy this activity, it's a treat.  If you wait for an extra cold winter's night, you can have the added benefit of watching the bubbles freeze.  Glowing frozen bubbles on the snow mimics galaxies and the night sky -- it's a magical delight to lay your eyes on this spectacle.  The same bubble solution was used to create the glowing effect on a small snow fort.  
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18. Go for a night walk.
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19. Take your flashlights outside and look for nocturnal creatures such as beetles and moths.  You may even find a toad to say hello to. 
20. Watch the sunset together. 
21. Visit places that offer candlelight tours, whether it’s a tour around the historical district in town, or a candlelight tour of a castle or fort. The photo below is from a candlelight tour at Hammond Castle in Gloucester, Massachusetts. 
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22. Go on night drives or night walks to find fireflies in summer.  ​(Yes, I added a firefly filter to the photo below, but in real life there were hundreds of fireflies around, and my iPhone didn't pick up on  them.  On a side note, the phone camera DID get the picture of this sweet deer that was feeding in the field.)
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23. Take advantage of full moons— ice skating and swimming under a full moon, for example,  are memorable events for kids.  Play with moon shadows or go for a full moon walk.  Put your child’s gemstones out in the moonlight for them to “recharge”.  
24. Use “twinkle lights” or string lights at home where the child spends time in the dark, whether its a blanket fort or their bedroom.  
25. Have a candlelight dinner. 
26. Create a bedside basket for your child that has a flashlight (or other small light) and a few small tokens of comfort in it.  If the child wakes in the middle of the night s/he may learn to use the items in the basket before waking you.  
27. Play a game of flashlight tag with your kids. 
28. Create your own “flashlight filters”—  a) Use clear colored plastic or paper; cut circles to fit just within the inset of the flashlight; then place the circles on the end of the flashlight to make different colored lights.  b) Cut black card stock or scrapbook paper into circles to fit within the inset of the flashlight.  Poke holes in the paper circles to create patterns or constellation shapes, then place the circles on the flashlight end. When the flashlight is on, it will shine through the holes and create the designs on a flat surface, such as a wall.
29. If you have very active kids, it may be a worthy investment to buy a light up hula hoop.  Kids can hula hoop in the dark and watch the lights on the hula hoop rotate and swirl around.    If you have more than one child, and if they can tolerate friendly competition, see who can hula hoop the longest, or try hula hoop challenges such as “who can hula hoop the longest with their eyes closed?” They will burn off some excess energy before bedtime. 
30. “Talk” to fireflies.Here is a tutorial: www.amnh.org/explore/ology/zoology/talking-to-fireflies

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Overall, any time  you engage a child in an activity that taps into their sense of wonder and play, you are also providing an opportunity for them to learn. In this case, they are learning to fear the dark less with every fun and safe exposure they have.  So, if any of the above activities seem to match the interest and need of your child, go ahead and give them a try.  

Copyright B. Thomas 2019
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Calming Foot Baths for Children

3/8/2017

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When your child is having an especially rough day, or needs a little extra nurturing, try a kid-friendly foot soak.  It’s a gentle, but playful, way to encourage your child to slow down for a moment, reboot their sensory regulation, and take a few deep breaths.  For some kids these are wonderful in place of a shower or bath at bedtime; for some they are helpful as part of a regular ritual for self regulation and sensory input/calming; and for some kids they work beautifully as a special treat or even just for fun. 
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Foot bath essentials:
  • A durable tub or bowl big enough for your child's feet
  • Warm water
  • A few bath towels to put under the foot bath to soak up any spills and to dry wet feet 

Additional/optional:
  • a small handful of Epsom Salts to aid tired or achy muscles
  • a drop of essential oil that is good for calming (i.e. lavender oil)
  • a handful of dried or fresh flowers known for calming, i.e. chamomile or lavender
  • a “fizzy bath bomb” — especially enjoyable for kids who love sensory input
  • a layer of smooth stones or marbles to roll the feet over for a massage or sensory input
  • bubble bath—lots and lots of bubbles!
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A whole other level of foot bathing:

Make a themed foot bath, such as a Dinosaur or Mermaid foot bath.  You can add additional stones or shells to the bath.  Small bath-friendly toys or figurines can be added as well.  

Helpful suggestions:
  • Be mindful of allergies before adding anything like flowers or dyes to the water.  These are frequently used in bath products and some children may be sensitive to them. 
  • Supervise your child at all times while they have a foot bath. Foot baths create slippery feet, so encourage your child to remain seated.  In addition, if your child is active or apt to stand up, do not put marbles (or other items likely to roll under feet) on the bottom of the foot bath.
  • Wash any stones or shells before adding them to the water.
  • ​Make sure any stones or shells you add to the bath are not sharp.  
  • If your child is having a foot soak before bed, it’s a great time to read to them while they are settling down and relaxing.  
  • Foot baths are a great activity for playdates and parties.  Messy, yes…but fun.
  • Cold foot baths in summer are cooling for the feet and body.
  • End the foot bath by drying your child’s feet with a soft towel.  
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With any luck, you’ll be able to enjoy a foot soak alongside your child, too.  When your child sees you taking a moment to nurture yourself and relax, you’ll be role modeling self care and relaxation for your child.  So, join in the ritual when you can.  


Bonnie Thomas
Indigo North Counseling, LLC
​Copyright 2017


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An Overview of My Latest Book-- More Creative Coping Skills for Children: Activities, Games, Stories, and Handouts to Help Children Self Regulate

10/27/2016

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I have authored 4 books with Jessica Kingsley Publishers, and like many authors, I claim my most recent book as my favorite.  This is what it looks like:
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More Creative Coping Skills for Children: Activities, Games, Stories, and Handouts to Help Children Self-regulate is written for parents as well as professionals who work with children (i.e. counselors, social workers, teachers, day care providers, youth group leaders, recreational therapists, camp staff, etc.).  

​Each chapter in the book focuses on common challenges that children might struggle with.  Chapters include:

Building Interpersonal and Social Skills
Creating Healthy Boundaries
​Reducing Oppositional Behavior
​Anger Management 
Increasing Focus and Reducing Impulsivity
Taming Anxiety, Stuck Thoughts, and Stuck Behaviors
​Social Anxiety and Selective Mutism
Improving Sleep
Sadness and Depression
Increasing Self Confidence and Self Esteem
Loss and Grief
Traumatic Events and Illnesses
Family Challenges

Each chapter provides general support around approaching these challenges using games, helpful handouts, rating scales, activities, stories, and more to encourage skill building in each area.  Here are some examples: 
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Apologizing and owning our behaviors is an important social skill. ​Apology notes are included in the book to encourage and assist children to say they are sorry if/when needed.  
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Sample incentive charts are provided for parents to use.  Incentive charts can be helpful in reducing oppositional and resistant behaviors. 
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There are a few mandalas for coloring, because coloring is calming for the brain and body.  These are in the chapter Taming Anxiety and Stuck Thoughts and Stuck Behaviors. 
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I included scripts for guided imagery as well as progressive muscle relaxation-- these are key skills in calming and self regulation.
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Scales can be helpful for youth to define and communicate how they are experiencing moods, feelings, and behaviors.  The scales can also be used to keep track of patterns of progress and regression of symptoms (i.e. in winter months, a child reports more 4s and 5s...whereas in summer the child reports more 1s to 3s-- this is good information!).   An anxiety scale is also included in the book.
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I used to have a poster on my counseling door like this when I worked in a school.  Kids can tear off the section that they want to focus on for the day.  This is one of many ways kids can practice building self confidence and self esteem.  
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From the chapter on Grief and Loss-- losing a pet is challenging for many children, understandably so. I've worked with many children who have wanted to lovingly say goodbye to their pets after they died,  but didn't know how.  These scripts are provided to aid in the conversation parents and providers can have with children as well as provide some suggestions around what can be said to honor the pet at a funeral or remembrance ceremony. 
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The chapter on Family Challenges addresses tight budgets and poverty, building relationships, managing separations within the family (i.e. if a parent is in the military or incarcerated), changes in the family (i.e. divorce), and mental illness and substance abuse.
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At the end of each chapter there's an accompanying story.  Stories can help kids understand a situation through a different lens, as well as provide suggestions or solutions for challenges the kids might be facing.
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Kid-friendly games,  puppets, coloring sheets, and craft activities are also included throughout the book.  

If you'd like to see even more, go to this link at Amazon and use the "look inside" feature.  

Thanks so much for taking the time to learn more about my latest book!


Bonnie Thomas, LCSW
Indigo North Counseling, LLC
Copyright 2016
​
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Family-Friendly Autumn Activities

9/25/2016

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As you might already know, I'm an advocate for nature-based activities.  Nature gives our bodies many things we are lacking in our usual day-to-day routines-- vitamin D, fresh air, immune-building microbes from the soil, exercise, relaxation, a sensory rich environment, places to explore, and so much more.  I am so passionate about the benefits of nature that I even wrote a book about nature based activities for youth.  You can see the book here. 
   Autumn is a wonderful time of year to get outdoors and enjoy the unique opportunities that the season offers.  It's also the perfect time to gather natural materials for crafts and projects you might need or want year round.  Sticks, acorns, acorn caps, seed pods, flowers for pressing and drying, pine cones, and more are abundant this time of year. 
Here are some of my favorite autumn activities:
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1.  Head out to the back deck, the front lawn, or even the front steps for a breakfast picnic.  If you're feeling more adventurous and/or your family will cooperate, then venture out to the woods or a favorite trail for your breakfast picnic.  Bring autumn-themed breakfast treats such as apple cider donuts, cider, trail mix, cranberry scones, or hot chocolate.  Enjoy the chill in the air and enjoy a yummy breakfast with loved ones. 
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2.  Go on a foliage drive-- make sure to stop along the way to explore.  You can always do an online search before you go to see if there are any of these creative activities to do along the way such as   letter boxing, geocaching, local labyrinths to walk, or apple orchards and/or pumpkin farms to visit.  

3. Create some "land art"-- this time of year is great for land art because there are so many natural materials around to create with.  In addition, at least here in the Northeast, the mosquitos and black flies have significantly reduced -- still use protection against ticks, though! 

4. Gather acorns for your local wildlife rehabilitation center or collect them for future craft projects.  

5. Rake those leaves and jump in them.  
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6. Go on a mushroom hunt.  The woods are full of gorgeous and unique fungi that are usually hidden under leaves or peaking out from rotting logs.  A mushroom hunt is a "look don't touch" activity for kids, but they might still find appeal in the "scavenger hunt" feel of this activity.  You can  challenge kids to find a certain number of different  colored mushrooms; find mushrooms in each color of the rainbow, or as close as possible; or to photograph them if they have iPhones or are old enough to use yours or a camera.  Bring a mushroom guide, if desired, for identifying the mushrooms you find.
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7.  Pick apples at an organic orchard and then make your favorite apple recipe with them.  Orchards are great places for kids to explore different varieties of apples, especially if heirloom apples are present.  Picking apples is a joy in an of itself, but many orchards also offer additional activities at their farms.  Research your local orchards to see what is available to you.  
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8.  Track down some snapdragon seed pods.  Did you grow snapdragons in your garden this year?  If you did, you will find these odd looking seed pods left behind that look like skulls or witches heads.  If you did not grow snapdragons this year, ask around and see if you have any friends that did.  If they have not pulled out their gardens yet, these Halloween-ish pods will still be there just waiting for someone to collect them.  
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9.  Pick pumpkins-- there are so many fun projects to do with pumpkins, from roasting the seeds and making pies, to carving them into jack-o-lanterns, coaches, fairy houses, and more.  Remember, if you ever feel at a loss of ideas, the internet is your friend.  
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10. Collect acorn caps for making these sweet little nature dolls.  Buy the wooden figurines from your craft store, color them with colored pencils, glue a cap on, and then seal the doll with varnish.  
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11. Go mining! Research places to explore in your local area where you and the kids can go mining.  I love this activity in the fall because its much cooler (in temperature), the foliage is gorgeous to view along the way, and mosquitos and black flies are at a minimum.  My favorite spot for mining in Maine is Mount Apatite in Auburn because there is no cost and no tour--you can go on your own time and collect some beautiful gems. Bring a bag or a bucket, a hammer, and goggles for each person.  Smashing rocks  is both exciting and therapeutic for kids (and adults, too)-- the thrill of finding a gemstone is priceless, and you get out tons of energy doing so. Of course, experienced miners will not recommend "smashing" rocks as some gemstones are more fragile than others.  So, if you are interested in mining you will want to research where you can do so in your area, what the rules are of the place you are visiting, as well as any tips for appropriately "smashing"/mining your finds. 
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12.  Leave positive words and "secret messages" along any trails or places outdoors you explore.  This is another variation of land art, and it's an easy one for kids to do.  Gather some natural materials and put them together to spell a word or message of encouragement for others to find.  
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13. Host a picnic for your backyard animals.  Set up a tray, table, or blanket in your yard; add a tea set, cups, and/or bowls; then fill them with seeds, nuts, or other foods appropriate for an animal's diet.  This is pre-hibernation time for many of our backyard friends so this is a wonderful time to help them stock up on extra food.  Taking and sharing photos of them enjoying their treats is my favorite part of this activity. 
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14. If you happen to live near an apple tree, or visit a place that has one, there are usually tons of apples on the ground.  Gather a bunch of them, wash them, and then have the kids bite silly faces into the apples.  Prop them up in the tree branches for a tree filled with silly faces.  

15.  Use acorn caps as hats for finger puppets.  

16. Grab some chalk and head out to the nearest blacktop to create patterns, pictures, and other creative creations.  Again, the weather is perfect this time of year for any sort of outdoor play (expect maybe swimming...).  
​
Bonnie Thomas, LCSW
Indigo North Counseling, LLC
Copyright 2016
 
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Life Altering Changes 101

9/13/2016

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Change comes in many forms.  The small changes in life are typically the more manageable ones, such as learning to ride a bike or making a new friend.  But there are changes-- life altering changes-- that require a whole different set of resources (internal and external) to manage.  Life altering changes include the death of a loved one, leaving a long term relationship, transitioning to a new identity, “coming out”, bringing a new child or sibling into the family, a traumatic event, leaving home for the first time, etc. ​
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As many of you know already, change is messy and exhausting-- sometimes even the “happy” changes can be messy and exhausting too.   Change also requires patience even when each and every cell in your body is screaming that it wants things to feel comfortable and okay and familiar RIGHT NOW.  

In an ideal world, at least in my ideal world, each of us would be compassionate and open minded to other people’s experiences, especially during these life changing ones.  In addition, we would also be more gentle with ourselves.

That being said, here are reminders and tips for getting through those life altering changes, as well how to help others going through the same.  

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Self Care during difficult changes:

  1. Reach out to friends, loved ones, and professionals who can offer support.
  2. Get plenty of rest, nutrients, fresh air, and hydration.
  3. Find an outlet for your emotions-- i.e. art, music, counseling, exercise, journaling.
  4. Allow yourself the space to cry if needed.  
  5. Create mini self-care kits to help you move forward after a good cry-- buy or repurpose a few makeup bags and pack them with a small pack of tissues, an instant cooling pack for your eyes, eye drops, a change in makeup, and sunglasses.  Keep the kits in your car, the bathroom, your office desk, etc...anywhere you might need access to one.  
  6. Find “your people”-- join an online or local support group of others going through the same or similar experience as you.  
  7. Remind yourself that change is uncomfortable and it’s okay to feel that discomfort.
  8. Keep a Gratitude Journal during this time-- I know that sounds counterintuitive but when you are adjusting to a whole new life, identity, or situation, everything can feel challenging, raw, and unforgivingly bleek.  A Gratitude Journal can help bring your mind and awareness to the things that are still going right and still feel familiar.  Write down all the positives that happen for you each day, whether it’s someone holding the door open for you, watching a new episode of a favorite series, or finding pleasure in something as simple as that first cup of coffee of the day.
  9. Take one photograph a day to document your journey and what you are going through.  Even if you never share it with anyone, you can look back and see that yes, this was a difficult change and yes, you survived it.   You’ll have a solid visual of what you endured.
  10. Pack yourself some bottled water and a healthy snack for tomorrow.  
  11. Write inspiring quotes and phrases on Post It notes and leave them where you can find them.
  12. Watch video clips of things that make you smile.  Sloths wearing jammies?  Snoop Dogg narrating nature videos?  Toonces the Driving Cat?
  13. As you start to find comfort and routine again, consider finding ways to help others.
  14. If you feel alone, depressed, isolated, or have thoughts about suicide, call your doctor or counselor or very best friend and be honest.  Ask for help.

How to be supportive to loved ones facing life-altering changes:

  1. Tell them, “I’m here if you want to talk.”
  2. If they do talk to you about what’s going on, listen.  Fight the urge to give advice or judge the people involved...just listen.  Let them know, “I’m so glad you talked to me about this.”
  3. Consider dropping off --or mailing--a “care package”.  Care packages can include items such as:
    1. Things to soothe red eyes and raw throats from crying-- tissues, eye drops, eye masks, ice cream, soup, cough drops or throat lozenges.
    2. A card that lets them know you are thinking of them.
    3. Natural remedies that help with anxiety, grief, or trauma such as arnica homeopathic pellets or Rescue Remedy.  
    4. Bubble bath, shower gel, and/or a battery operated candle (your friend might be stressed enough to leave a candle unattended, so a battery one that flickers like a real candle is a relaxing substitute).
    5. A few “nutrient-dense” snacks -- i.e. trail mix, dried fruit, nuts, protein bars.
    6. A special blanket to wrap up in.
    7. An audio book they’d enjoy.  
    8. A blank journal, an adult coloring book, and some art supplies to get creative.
    9. A gift card to their favorite coffee place or online store.
  4. Organize your friends, neighbors, family and/ or colleagues to make and deliver meals to the person and/or their family.  
  5. If your friend or loved one’s life altering change involves their identity, such as being transgender, remind yourself they are still the same person you have always known; use the person’s correct pronoun and name (this may take a lot of practice and repeating); and be an ally as much as you possibly can.  
  6. If your friend or loved one’s life altering change involves a death, it’s okay to talk about it (unless they ask you not to for now).  One of the hardest things for grieving people is when others stop talking about the person or pet that passed away.  Many grieving people want to share their memories and stories about their loved one.
  7. If they have a dog or a young child, offer to join them for a walk.  
  8. Spend time with them, especially if they seem to be isolating themselves or “disappearing”.  Offer to bring over a movie and “take-out".  
  9. Create a daily check in time-- i.e. each day at 3pm check in via text message, phone, or Facebook message to see if they need anything and just to let them know you are there for them.
  10. If your friend or loved one just had a baby or adopted a child, plan a weekly time that you can go over to help.  Let your friend nap, shower, or just stare at the wall while you take care of the child...at least for an hour or so. If the child is just not going to cooperate with this plan, then cook a meal or wash the dishes while your friend cares for the child.
  11. Keep the lines of communication open-- if you are having difficulty as well, let them know.  It’s okay to say, “This is a big change for me also, but we will get through it -- together.”
  12. Look online for other ways to support your friend through this particular change.  Search for key phrases like “how to help my friend going through a divorce”.

There are so many more ways to be gentle and real with yourself --and others --during a life altering change but I hope these lists serve as a good starting place.  

Bonnie Thomas, LCSW

Indigo North Counseling
Copyright 2016
www.indigonorthcounseling.com
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Back to School Tips to Reduce Anxiety and Transitional Stress in Children

9/5/2016

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A new school year is about to begin. For those of you who send your kids to private or public schools, this means your child has a multitude of changes to adjust to in the coming weeks.  Some children and teens do well with changes and even look forward to them.  For some, however, each and every change can trigger a sense of unease and even anxiety.  Let’s look at some strategies to reduce the stressors that can come with adjusting to change (even the happy changes).

New sleep/wake schedule:
If your child is the type that stays up later in the evening and/or sleeps later in the morning during summer, then you may want to plan ahead (about 2-3 weeks before school starts) by sending them to bed a little bit earlier each night and also waking them slightly earlier each morning.  
Why?  By preparing your child to go to bed and wake earlier for school, before the school year starts, you are reducing the fatigue that happens when sleep routines are adjusted and altered too quickly.  Fatigue adds to stress levels, and a tired brain and body is less able to take in all the instruction and complexities of paying attention.  On the contrary, when your child has a good sleep routine and is better rested, she’s better able to keep up with the demands of the school day.  


Transportation to and from school:
If you drive your child to school every day, and the route has not changed, then your child is likely well prepared for the drive to school.  However, if you have not driven that route in a while, it might help to do so before the first day of school just to be prepared for any detours or changes ahead of time.   If you have an anxiety-prone child the "practice drive" does 2 things:  1) re-familiarizes the child with the drive to and from school--this creates a sense of normalcy and routine 2) on the off chance that something drastic changed along that route, you will have time to discuss it and/or address any challenges ahead of time. 

If your child has a new bus route:
  • Go to your school website and/or call the transportation department to get the new bus schedule.
  • Drive the new bus route with your child so he can familiarize himself with the new route.  
  • If your child is used to driving on the bus, review the bus rules from last year as well as “what to do if…happens on the bus” scenarios.  
  • If your child is not used to riding on the bus:
    • Contact the school and/or bus department to see what support or advice they can offer for your first-time rider.  Every school is different, but some schools offer the chance to visit the bus garage to see the bus up close (and even get inside it); others may just give you the run-down of what to expect in terms of who the bus driver is and what the bus rules are.
    • If you have any neighbors with school age kids, you might want to check in with them to get some feedback about the bus ahead of time.  For example, if your child is particularly shy, introverted, or sensitive to noise levels, you will want to know whether the bus is particularly loud or crowded so you can have a coping plan in place for your child (i.e. she will wear headphones on the bus or sit closer to the front).  
  • If appropriate or helpful, reach out to other parents of kids who will be at the bus stop.  Plan a fun gathering of the parents and kids prior to the first day of school.  Your child will then know who she can expect to see at the bus stop and be familiar with them.

Other helpful suggestions:
  • Double check the bus route even if it’s been the same bus route for years.  
  • Call the bus department to see if the bus driver is the same as last year.  
  • For younger kids worried about riding the bus, buy or borrow a toy bus the child can play with before school starts.  Why?  Each and every positive exposure that the child has with a school bus (even toy ones) helps the child familiarize himself with school buses and alleviate a little fear.

New school, classroom, and/or teacher:
  • If the school is new to you and your child, arrange for a tour and “meet-and-greet” with the school principal.  Again, every school is different so some schools will offer more support than others.  It is in the best interest of a worry-prone child to be able to meet the principal, teacher, and school nurse prior to starting a new school if at all possible.  
  • If your child’s school allows, visit the school during summer months or prior to school starting.  Playing on the playground at the school or walking the halls familiarizes your child to the school and reduces anxiety. If your child is extremely shy or has a history of selective mutism (not talking to anyone other than family or loved ones) this is especially important. The more your child has exposure and experience talking on school grounds (because you are present with her during these visits) the better for her.
  • If your child has ongoing medical issues, make sure your child has met the school nurse face to face before starting a new school.  In addition, as the parent, make sure you meet with the school staff necessary (the school nurse, guidance counselor, principal, classroom teacher) to go over all medical information the school needs to know to care for your child.  Be upfront from the beginning-- It’s extremely unsettling and concerning when a child has medical issues that do not get addressed appropriately in school, whether it’s due to the parent under-informing the school (yes, this happens), or the school not following a plan for the child (yes, this happens too).  
  • Contact the school guidance counselor and discuss any concerns ahead of time.

General

In general, a regular routine during the school year can help reduce anxiety for kids overall.  A regular routine means a routine that is predictable for your child, i.e. the child knows dinner is at 6pm each night and bedtime is at 8pm.  If you’re the type of person who hates routine (I’m one of them) this can feel challenging and even counter-intuitive.  However, for kids who are susceptible to anxiety, the routine is a predictable backbone of their day.  The routine becomes structure that helps them manage the rest of the day’s craziness. Everything else may feel chaotic to them but they know, if nothing else, dinner is at 6pm and bedtime is at 8pm.  

Last, your child is heading back to school with kids they haven't seen in a while, or haven't met before.  Remind your child that sometimes kids return to school with a different appearance and/or new life experiences under their belt-- this can be anything from noticeable changes ( i.e. a radically different hairstyle) to ones the child cannot necessarily "see" (i.e. the child has experienced a tragic loss over the summer).  Encourage your child to treat him or herself with kindness and to extend that kindness to others as well for a smoother start the school year.  

Bonnie Thomas, LCSW

Indigo North Counseling
Copyright 2016
www.indigonorthcounseling.com

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