As a parent I knew that one day our son (who is an only child) would become an adult and leave home. But as prepared as I thought I was to manage that transition, in truth I wasn’t prepared at all.  I think this was the result of naivete’ as well as lack of knowledge and experience.  None of our close friends had been through this yet (we were all going through it at the same time) nor had anyone older shared words of wisdom with us about this phase of life. Strangely, even my social media feeds seemed to lack mention of college parents grieving when their kids left for college….only the occasional mention of missing them or how good it felt to have them home for holidays and vacations.  So, when the day came for me to drive our son to college, I was aware that our lives were about to shift but I had no idea how much.   
Now, of course, everyone experiences adjustment, change, loss, and rites of passage differently.  There are many parents who get through this experience with their hearts intact and even thrive as empty nesters in those initial first few months.  I had envisioned myself as being in the latter group— I had, afterall, spent 18 years encouraging my son to live life, explore, and make memories.  I was excited for him to be heading to college…to be leaving our small town and moving to a place where academia, diversity, and opportunity are embraced and celebrated.  I could feel his readiness to foster this new life.  I was overjoyed for him.
But as some parents do, I was so focused on him having a positive transition to this phase of life that I kind of forgot to prepare myself.  You’d think, as a counselor, I would have been better prepared.  I wasn’t. 

On the day I drove him to college it was a beautiful day.  Ideally beautiful.  We listened to his music all the way there and I soaked in every second of sharing this time with him.  We stopped to have Thai food before heading to campus.
When we got to campus we followed lines of directed traffic that eventually led to his dorm.  There were student volunteers to help unload the car and take my son’s belongings to his room.  I then parked the empty car in a nearby lot and walked back to his dorm room to help unpack what I could.  
And then, it was time to leave.  
I gave my son a big hug, told him to enjoy this—all of this— and said the usual mom things…I love him; to be safe; that his dad and I are proud of him; that we are always there for him and just a text away. 
And then I left. 
I walked back to the car and tears started to flow.  That seemed expected.  But the tears wouldn’t stop flowing.  That was not expected.  Ugh— I loathe crying.  I really do.  I know its healthy and cleansing and that our bodies need to do what they do— but still, I loathe it. I’m also the ultimate “ugly crier” who cannot hide the fact I’ve been crying.  My eyes instantly swell to three times their size, creating bags upon bags; my face becomes so blotchy it lasts for hours, long after the tears stop.  So imagine my face after an hour of crying…then three hours of crying…a full day of crying…2 days of crying…and still more tears on the third day.  I was a complete and utter mess.  I had moments of panic and irrational fear.  It took days for these feelings to subside and eventually calm. Still, even then,  I felt emotionally gutted. 
One beacon of light in all of this is that my husband was understanding, supportive, and not afraid of my constantly flowing tears.  He was grieving also.  He got it.  We both missed our son.  We were both untethered from our parenting roles for the first time and it was disorienting and heart-wrenching.  
Another beacon of light included a few unexpected conversations with neighbors and colleagues who shared their own experiences of grief when their children left home.  These small, intimate conversations were validating and made me remember that life is beautiful, in all of its bitter-sweetness.  
The best beacon of light, however, was realizing that, like any adjustment, a new normal settles in.  Things do get easier.  Joy and resolution return.  
We did get through it— slowly but surely.  For us it took a lot of Netflix, calming teas, extra walks with the dogs, and checking in with one another. Now, as a parent who has survived the experience (as you will also) I want to share some helpful things I learned in the process in case it’s helpful for any others about to go through the same transition.  

*** Some of these tips may also be helpful for adult children “leaving the nest” for the armed forces, traveling abroad for a semester, a new job, leaving home in general, etc. 


2-3 months before your child heads to college and/or leaves home 

• If you haven’t done so already, create some boards on Pinterest — or make lists— of things that inspire you, or that you want to try.  A few months from now, when your child has left home, these lists can be a resource for how to re-navigate your time and energy and/or cope with an empty nest.  Here are examples of such lists:
  • Places I want to travel (overnight, extended stays)
  • Day trips I’d like to go on 
  • Home improvement ideas 
  • DIY projects I’d love to try 
  • Favorite quotes/ Inspirational quotes
  • My bucket list
  • Recipes I want to try 
  • Photos and stories that bring me joy/ hope
  • Things that make me feel wonder and awe
  • Books I want to read
  • Movies, TV shows, and series I want to see
  • Ideas for care packages I can send my college kid
  • Articles about support for empty nesters
  • Memes and videos from the internet that make me laugh
• If you enjoy being around people you might consider signing up for a new class or join a group that starts late summer or early fall.  Regular social connection during a time of adjustment can be helpful for some people.
• Schedule your self care appointments for early fall now— some service providers have a wait list so it’s best to schedule any appointments ahead of time.  Whether it’s a salon appointment, massage, counseling, or fitness training, you’ll be glad you booked ahead of time. 
• Consider how you’ve dealt with past adjustments.  What helps you get through tough times?  List anything that helps.  Is there anything that has helped before that you can put into place now or when your child starts the semester?
• Journal and brainstorm what engages your self/soul in positive ways.  Do you have hobbies? Do you enjoy travel? Cooking/baking? Exploring trails or public gardens? Writing? Creating art or music? Volunteering? List all the things that interest you and make you feel good.  This will be a great go-to list for moments when you feel you’ve lost your compass and you need a direction to move in.  
• If you’re a person who enjoys cognitive activities, consider the following to add to your list of healthy distractions— puzzle books (sudoku, crossword, word finds, i.e.); documentaries you’d like to watch; podcasts you’d like to listen to; historical tours to go on; tracing your ancestry; jigsaw puzzles; writing a book or starting a blog; mapping out a future trip; raising money for a cause; or taking a new class. 

2-3 weeks before they leave

• Now’s a great time to discuss how you’ll communicate with each other while they’re at school.  What’s your child’s preferred method of communication? If your child wants to communicate via a specific app on their phone or other device, now is a good time to download it and spend the next couple weeks getting comfortable with it.   
• If your child welcomes letters and cards from home you can start shopping for those now.  Don’t forget there are online shops where you can purchase cards and vinyl stickers (for water bottles and laptops) on almost any subject.  So, even if your child loves a band, TV show/series, video game, or subject matter that is esoteric, quirky, and hard to find….chances are you can still order greeting cards, postcards, and stickers related to it.  
• If they’re willing and you’re able, help them shop for dorm items and school supplies.  
• Check in— ask if there is anything you can do to help them prepare for the transition college.  Let them know you’re there for them.
• If you use social media such as Facebook or Instagram, follow your child’s university or college for updates and insights about their new “home”.

Moving Day and Beyond

• Be gentle and kind with yourself.  Whatever feelings come up on this day, acknowledge and honor them.  If you feel like celebrating, celebrate.  If you need to grieve, grieve.  
• Calming teas with chamomile, valerian root, skullcap, or holy basil can help ease feelings of anxiety and grieving.  
• The homeopathic remedy Ignatia Amara (30c) can help with grief, loss, and major life adjustments — follow directions on the tube or bottle.  
• Check out those Pinterest boards or lists you made a few months ago— what new project can you start? What trip can you plan? What videos and memes might make you smile? 
• Increase the antioxidants in your diet.  During times of stress antioxidants are your friend.  So add extra green vegetables, dark leafy greens, and bright colored fruits and berries to your diet.  
• If you’re feeling anxious, irritable, restless, grief, indecisive, or any uncomfortable emotion for that matter….get out for a walk or try another physical activity.  Burn off excess adrenaline and stress, and get some calming endorphins in return.  
• Talk to someone….a friend, a loved one, other parents going through the empty nest adjustment, a counselor, etc. 
• Spend extra time with your pets. They are going through this adjustment as well, so plan on extra walks, snuggle time, play time, or extra visits to places that your pet loves.  
• If you haven’t done so yet, research articles about this adjustment phase.  Key phrases to search for include “empty nest”; “surviving empty nest”; “empty nest syndrome tips for coping”.  These articles can be a comfort because they let you know you’re not alone and that many others are going through the same thing right now.  You’ll also find helpful suggestions for getting through it.  
• Re-discover who you are.  If you’re like most parents, you’ve spent the last 18 or so years in parent-mode—putting your kids first, focused on getting through busy schedules, worrying about your child/children 24/7, living a life that is completely interwoven with theirs. Suddenly you’re untethered— to a degree— and it can be unsettling for many parents.  If you’ve ignored your own needs and wants for a while now,  then now is a great time to re-discover who you are and what you enjoy. 

However, if you need or desire more directed activity based on your unique needs, art therapy with a counselor or art therapist is recommended. Art therapy can be used to help with depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, acute stress, mood disregulation, self esteem, stress management, self care, adjustment to change, grief/loss, and more.  

The next time you look for a boost to your well being, don't forget to consider art as part of your self care regimen. 


Bonnie Thomas, LCSW
Indigo North Counseling, LLC
Copyright 2017 

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Comfort Zones are those places, physical and metaphorical, that provide respite.  They can be places of residence, i.e. your own home or a loved ones home. They can be natural spaces such as the mountains, a forest, or the beach.  They can be places of sanctuary, prayer, and meditation. And comfort zones can also be needs or wants that regulate your level of comfort-- i.e. if someone  asks you to do something that doesn't feel right, or feel good, you might find yourself saying, "No--that's out of my comfort zone".  

Comfort zones provide the space for us to reflect on our experiences.  People are not well equipped to process a lot of information (external and internal) when under stress, so finding and utilizing time to retreat to a safe and comfortable space allows us to truly think about, and feel, what is going on around us and within us.  

But what happens when our comfort zones fracture? For example, what if the friend we always turn to for support is not available? What if a location where we typically find comfort is currently off limits? 

Comfort zones will fracture and evolve from time to time which is why I often suggest making sure you have a selection of comfort zones to begin with.  Diversifying is key. Here are various examples to consider:

• Home itself-- some consider "home" to be their comfort zone.
• A place within your home-- even if home is chaotic, there may be that one chair or one place in your residence that feels more comforting than the rest.
• Comforting objects-- i.e. that favorite hoodie or pair of jeans; a piece of memorabilia; your smartphone.
• A place-- i.e. a favorite coffee shop; a place you go to for support or solace such as a church, a weekly yoga class, or an AA group; a favorite getaway/vacation spot; a local garden or trail where you feel calm and at ease. 
• A friend who really "gets" you and listens to you.
• Foods-- the infamous "comfort foods", whatever those may be for you. 
• Rituals-- those things we do each day that bring a sense of normalcy and routine-- getting a cup of tea, meditating, reading a book, walking the dog. 
• Hobbies and passions-- i.e. making art, singing loudly to your favorite songs, dancing, writing, shopping, hiking, running, etc.

​If you expand on the meaning and breadth of "comfort zones" you will be better prepared if one (or more) of your zones "fracture".  For example, if you move to a new place you might suddenly find yourself feeling out of sorts, whether you have moved across town or out of the country. While you adjust to the new feeling of "home" and orient yourself to new surroundings, you can still connect with close friends, keep familar routines, wear a favorite piece of clothing, or immerse yourself in a favorite activity.  Before you know it, you will have created new comfort zones and/or your fractured zones will be accessible once again. 

I have authored 4 books with Jessica Kingsley Publishers, and like many authors, I claim my most recent book as my favorite.  This is what it looks like:

Apologizing and owning our behaviors is an important social skill. ​Apology notes are included in the book to encourage and assist children to say they are sorry if/when needed.  

Sample incentive charts are provided for parents to use.  Incentive charts can be helpful in reducing oppositional and resistant behaviors. 

There are a few mandalas for coloring, because coloring is calming for the brain and body.  These are in the chapter Taming Anxiety and Stuck Thoughts and Stuck Behaviors. 

I included scripts for guided imagery as well as progressive muscle relaxation-- these are key skills in calming and self regulation.

Scales can be helpful for youth to define and communicate how they are experiencing moods, feelings, and behaviors.  The scales can also be used to keep track of patterns of progress and regression of symptoms (i.e. in winter months, a child reports more 4s and 5s...whereas in summer the child reports more 1s to 3s-- this is good information!).   An anxiety scale is also included in the book.

I used to have a poster on my counseling door like this when I worked in a school.  Kids can tear off the section that they want to focus on for the day.  This is one of many ways kids can practice building self confidence and self esteem.  

From the chapter on Grief and Loss-- losing a pet is challenging for many children, understandably so. I've worked with many children who have wanted to lovingly say goodbye to their pets after they died,  but didn't know how.  These scripts are provided to aid in the conversation parents and providers can have with children as well as provide some suggestions around what can be said to honor the pet at a funeral or remembrance ceremony. 

The chapter on Family Challenges addresses tight budgets and poverty, building relationships, managing separations within the family (i.e. if a parent is in the military or incarcerated), changes in the family (i.e. divorce), and mental illness and substance abuse.

At the end of each chapter there's an accompanying story.  Stories can help kids understand a situation through a different lens, as well as provide suggestions or solutions for challenges the kids might be facing.

Kid-friendly games,  puppets, coloring sheets, and craft activities are also included throughout the book.  

If you'd like to see even more, go to this link at Amazon and use the "look inside" feature.  

Thanks so much for taking the time to learn more about my latest book!


Bonnie Thomas, LCSW
Indigo North Counseling, LLC
Copyright 2016
​

Many people who have experienced a traumatic event know that the annual anniversary of that event, and each year thereafter, can be emotionally challenging.  There are always exceptions, of course-- some people can experience the death of a loved one, a divorce, or a harrowing event and not notice any change in affect or physical symptoms on the anniversary.  For many people, however, the anniversary can create a sense of angst and side effects:  a feeling of unease, disrupted sleep, a feeling of dread regarding the anniversary, anxiety and restlessness, depression, grief and sadness, lack of focus and decreased attention, irritability, and more.  

However, there are ways to care for your mind, body, and spirit prior to the anniversary, and throughout, to get through it (and even feel stronger to deal with it).

​

1. Be proactive-- Schedule some self care prior to the anniversary. Examples of self care would be attending a class in yoga, art, or meditation; going to counseling or a support group (i.e. AA or NA); spending a weekend with friends and loved ones; attending a retreat; getting a massage or going to a spa; getting a one month gym membership, etc…  If you are low on cash or on a tight budget, schedule daily walks with a friend; meditate each day; get creative with art, journalling, or adult coloring books; have extra bubble baths; eat healthy meals; and/or spend time with loved ones. Whatever it is that relaxes you or feeds your soul, put it in your calendar prior to the anniversary.
2. Acknowledge and care for your triggers.
   1. Smaller, more manageable triggers: Use those basic calming skills such as taking deep breaths, taking a brisk walk to burn off excess adrenaline, or calling a supportive friend.   In addition, keep self care items on hand for when uncomfortable feelings arise, such as tissues and extra makeup (in case you get teary); a natural remedy, such as Rescue Remedy, that helps reduce anxiety; an inspirational quote that helps you get through difficult moments; a piece of sour or spicy candy; or a worry stone/other comforting object to hold onto.   
   2. Larger, more intrusive triggers: consider counseling in one of the following “evidence based practices” that addresses triggers, phobias, and extreme anxiety.
      1. Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TFCBT)
      2. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
      3. Prolonged Exposure Therapy
      4. Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)
3. Acknowledge and commemorate the event in a way that suits your personality and needs.  Here is a partial list of ideas:
   1. Donate money or donate blood for a cause related to the event.
   2. Complete 10 acts of kindness (or other chosen number) to “counteract” some of the negative feelings about the anniversary; or complete the acts of kindness in memory of someone who passed away.
   3. Create a ritual for yourself where you honor what you have survived and endured-- light a special candle for yourself; write down your feelings and thoughts about the event, burn it, and release the ashes; hike a mountain; say a special prayer.
   4. Collect a special item each year near the anniversary-- this may sound like a strange suggestion but hear me out on this one.  I know a person who buys herself a pair of “kick ass” boots on each anniversary.  She loves the quote about walking a mile in someone’s shoes--the boots are worn as a reminder of what she has been through and what she can conquer.  She wears the boots on days when she needs a little extra “kick”.  In this way, she honors her trauma anniversary and her own power over the event.  I know another person who started collecting angels--she now buys an angel on each year near her trauma anniversary.  Yet another person writes a new song each year about what he is still learning from his trauma and how the effects of it weave its way into his life each year. So, your “collected item” can be fun and inspirational, it can be in memory of someone, or it can be part of an ongoing story that you tell about your experience with the event.
   5. Celebrate your survival -- invite friends over and celebrate in a way that makes you feel strong, connected, and proud of what you have survived. This works well in cases like surviving cancer or surviving a messy divorce.
   6. Quiet reflection-- schedule a section of time where you turn off all screens and distractions.  Take that quiet time to reflect on what you have been through and what you have gained as a result.  
   7. Complete this creative directive:  Draw a horizon line on a piece of paper.  Below the horizon is where the traumatic event is -- it is underground and in the past.  Draw or write something to depict this traumatic event below the horizon line.  Next, draw or list the things you learned or gained as a result of the traumatic event -- do so above the horizon line.   You can be as detailed as you like-- some traumatic events have several components to it, and in these cases you can draw lines or other connectors to different areas of the event to mark what you learned or gained from them. I’ve seen responses such as “I got my dog after the event to help me feel safe again-- I can’t imagine my life without her now.  She was a huge part of my healing and recovery”;  “I had to learn how to care for things in the house after my partner died-- I’ve learned some basic plumbing and ‘fixer-upper’ skills”; “I met a whole new community and support group of people I now call close friends”.  Keep in mind that just because you learned or gained something from the traumatic event does not mean you have to appreciate it or even like it...it can be challenging to appreciate anything that comes from such an awful event.  But this exercise does help to reframe your thinking to the possibility that something good can arise from bad experiences--  this change in perspective (no matter how slight) can be healing for some people.   
   8. If you feel like hurting yourself or others, call 911 or your local emergency crisis number.  

There are more ways to get through a trauma anniversary--if you need or want more ideas you can research the topic of “trauma anniversaries” online, seek professional support, or reach out to loved ones for additional ideas.  

Bonnie Thomas, LCSW
Indigo North Counseling, LLC
Copyright 2016

http://www.indigonorthcounseling.com

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Change comes in many forms.  The small changes in life are typically the more manageable ones, such as learning to ride a bike or making a new friend.  But there are changes-- life altering changes-- that require a whole different set of resources (internal and external) to manage.  Life altering changes include the death of a loved one, leaving a long term relationship, transitioning to a new identity, “coming out”, bringing a new child or sibling into the family, a traumatic event, leaving home for the first time, etc. ​

As many of you know already, change is messy and exhausting-- sometimes even the “happy” changes can be messy and exhausting too.   Change also requires patience even when each and every cell in your body is screaming that it wants things to feel comfortable and okay and familiar RIGHT NOW.  

In an ideal world, at least in my ideal world, each of us would be compassionate and open minded to other people’s experiences, especially during these life changing ones.  In addition, we would also be more gentle with ourselves.

That being said, here are reminders and tips for getting through those life altering changes, as well how to help others going through the same.  

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Like many adults, I am constantly navigating the world of coping strategies to see which ones help me feel and function better.  One of my favorite strategies is Finding Hearts.  It's not a commonly listed strategy in self help books (in fact, I may have made this one up).  However, when I am feeling uncomfortable, overwhelmed, or having a particularly rough moment, I look for hearts.  
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Looking for hearts does a few things for my state of mind and well being:

1. It's a practice in grounding.  Grounding is a technique used to decrease emotional distress that accommodates anxiety attacks, dissociation, PTSD and other intense emotional states.  Grounding means bringing yourself to the present moment by checking in with your senses (what do you smell, hear, taste, feel, or see around you at the moment); checking in with your surroundings (look around you, identify where you are or what is in your view); and also checking in with yourself (say your name to yourself, state the date and time of day).  Grounding basically means you pull yourself to the present moment.  Finding hearts is one way to bring yourself to the present moment:  scan your immediate surroundings;  see if you can find any hearts hidden in the clouds, in the ceiling tiles, in the food you are eating, on your clothing, in the trees, etc... 

2. Its a practice in focus.  My ADD can take on a life of it's own and there are times when simply looking around for hearts helps my brain and body slow down enough so I can pay better attention to other details. 

3. It's a practice in mindfulness.  Mindfulness is observing the details of your surroundings (even your "inner surroundings"-- your feelings and state of mind) and being fully present in the moment. 
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4. The creative part of me simply loves this activity-- for me it feels like a mini-recess for my brain.  It's playful, it's creative, and it's a nice break from the routine of the day that can be done in seconds or minutes.
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5. The metaphysical/spiritual/curious part of me can't help but love the fact that we are surrounded by hidden hearts everywhere. 
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6. Photographing the hearts you find and sharing them (i.e. on social media) is a simple and fun way to connect with others. Once you start sharing them, you may find that your friends and loved ones start sending them to you as well.