A common fear in childhood is being afraid of the dark, and as adults we can help children alleviate that fear.  The following post lists some of my favorite ways to encourage children to enjoy the dark using the "language" children speak best— play and wonder. 
Before exploring ways to make the dark a safe place to play and explore,  however, I want to address the topic of horror films.  If your home has any horror films in it's library, and/or you have people watching horror films when a child is present in your home, I'd encourage you to keep those films out of reach and not watch such films in the presence of children.  This is true of any filmography intended for a mature audience.  Young children (some older ones as well) are not developmentally and emotionally mature enough to handle the content of horror films-- heightened fear and anxiety are likely to follow, no matter how minimal the exposure.  
That being said, let's talk about fun activities that encourage children to dim the lights or play in the dark:

1. Play with shadow puppets.  You can search online for tutorials on making your own shadow puppets and/or search for where to purchase them.  The advantage of making your own is that you can create an imaginative mix of characters and scenery that is “one of a kind” and of your child’s own imagination.  The advantage of buying them is the convenience of not crafting them—because not everyone enjoys making arts and crafts or has the time to make them. The shadow puppets in these photos were created by Andrea Everman of Owly Shadow Puppets. ​

Battery operated tea lights can also be used with figurines:

9. Visit your local library to check out books that will ignite your child’s sense of wonder about the night.  Some kids love enchanting picture books that feature night themes and stories that take place at night, such as Dream Animals--A Bedtime Journey, by Emily Winfield Martin.  Other kids may find non fiction books about the night more appealing, such as those about constellations, bioluminescence, and nocturnal animals. 

10. Go outside to play before bedtime— this works especially well in winter months when the sun sets earlier.   You can bring some figurines outside for your child to play with, if needed.  And, if you have any "light up" play props, bring those as well.  When it’s snowy outside, take advantage of the snow by using it to dig out caves and caverns for characters.  Lights illuminating the snow (especially in the snow caves) create magical playscapes.  

18. Go for a night walk.

20. Watch the sunset together. 
21. Visit places that offer candlelight tours, whether it’s a tour around the historical district in town, or a candlelight tour of a castle or fort. The photo below is from a candlelight tour at Hammond Castle in Gloucester, Massachusetts. 

22. Go on night drives or night walks to find fireflies in summer.  ​(Yes, I added a firefly filter to the photo below, but in real life there were hundreds of fireflies around, and my iPhone didn't pick up on  them.  On a side note, the phone camera DID get the picture of this sweet deer that was feeding in the field.)

However, if you need or desire more directed activity based on your unique needs, art therapy with a counselor or art therapist is recommended. Art therapy can be used to help with depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, acute stress, mood disregulation, self esteem, stress management, self care, adjustment to change, grief/loss, and more.  

The next time you look for a boost to your well being, don't forget to consider art as part of your self care regimen. 


Bonnie Thomas, LCSW
Indigo North Counseling, LLC
Copyright 2017 

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Comfort Zones are those places, physical and metaphorical, that provide respite.  They can be places of residence, i.e. your own home or a loved ones home. They can be natural spaces such as the mountains, a forest, or the beach.  They can be places of sanctuary, prayer, and meditation. And comfort zones can also be needs or wants that regulate your level of comfort-- i.e. if someone  asks you to do something that doesn't feel right, or feel good, you might find yourself saying, "No--that's out of my comfort zone".  

Comfort zones provide the space for us to reflect on our experiences.  People are not well equipped to process a lot of information (external and internal) when under stress, so finding and utilizing time to retreat to a safe and comfortable space allows us to truly think about, and feel, what is going on around us and within us.  

But what happens when our comfort zones fracture? For example, what if the friend we always turn to for support is not available? What if a location where we typically find comfort is currently off limits? 

Comfort zones will fracture and evolve from time to time which is why I often suggest making sure you have a selection of comfort zones to begin with.  Diversifying is key. Here are various examples to consider:

• Home itself-- some consider "home" to be their comfort zone.
• A place within your home-- even if home is chaotic, there may be that one chair or one place in your residence that feels more comforting than the rest.
• Comforting objects-- i.e. that favorite hoodie or pair of jeans; a piece of memorabilia; your smartphone.
• A place-- i.e. a favorite coffee shop; a place you go to for support or solace such as a church, a weekly yoga class, or an AA group; a favorite getaway/vacation spot; a local garden or trail where you feel calm and at ease. 
• A friend who really "gets" you and listens to you.
• Foods-- the infamous "comfort foods", whatever those may be for you. 
• Rituals-- those things we do each day that bring a sense of normalcy and routine-- getting a cup of tea, meditating, reading a book, walking the dog. 
• Hobbies and passions-- i.e. making art, singing loudly to your favorite songs, dancing, writing, shopping, hiking, running, etc.

​If you expand on the meaning and breadth of "comfort zones" you will be better prepared if one (or more) of your zones "fracture".  For example, if you move to a new place you might suddenly find yourself feeling out of sorts, whether you have moved across town or out of the country. While you adjust to the new feeling of "home" and orient yourself to new surroundings, you can still connect with close friends, keep familar routines, wear a favorite piece of clothing, or immerse yourself in a favorite activity.  Before you know it, you will have created new comfort zones and/or your fractured zones will be accessible once again. 

I have authored 4 books with Jessica Kingsley Publishers, and like many authors, I claim my most recent book as my favorite.  This is what it looks like:

Apologizing and owning our behaviors is an important social skill. ​Apology notes are included in the book to encourage and assist children to say they are sorry if/when needed.  

Sample incentive charts are provided for parents to use.  Incentive charts can be helpful in reducing oppositional and resistant behaviors. 

There are a few mandalas for coloring, because coloring is calming for the brain and body.  These are in the chapter Taming Anxiety and Stuck Thoughts and Stuck Behaviors. 

I included scripts for guided imagery as well as progressive muscle relaxation-- these are key skills in calming and self regulation.

Scales can be helpful for youth to define and communicate how they are experiencing moods, feelings, and behaviors.  The scales can also be used to keep track of patterns of progress and regression of symptoms (i.e. in winter months, a child reports more 4s and 5s...whereas in summer the child reports more 1s to 3s-- this is good information!).   An anxiety scale is also included in the book.

I used to have a poster on my counseling door like this when I worked in a school.  Kids can tear off the section that they want to focus on for the day.  This is one of many ways kids can practice building self confidence and self esteem.  

From the chapter on Grief and Loss-- losing a pet is challenging for many children, understandably so. I've worked with many children who have wanted to lovingly say goodbye to their pets after they died,  but didn't know how.  These scripts are provided to aid in the conversation parents and providers can have with children as well as provide some suggestions around what can be said to honor the pet at a funeral or remembrance ceremony. 

The chapter on Family Challenges addresses tight budgets and poverty, building relationships, managing separations within the family (i.e. if a parent is in the military or incarcerated), changes in the family (i.e. divorce), and mental illness and substance abuse.

At the end of each chapter there's an accompanying story.  Stories can help kids understand a situation through a different lens, as well as provide suggestions or solutions for challenges the kids might be facing.

Kid-friendly games,  puppets, coloring sheets, and craft activities are also included throughout the book.  

If you'd like to see even more, go to this link at Amazon and use the "look inside" feature.  

Thanks so much for taking the time to learn more about my latest book!


Bonnie Thomas, LCSW
Indigo North Counseling, LLC
Copyright 2016
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Many people who have experienced a traumatic event know that the annual anniversary of that event, and each year thereafter, can be emotionally challenging.  There are always exceptions, of course-- some people can experience the death of a loved one, a divorce, or a harrowing event and not notice any change in affect or physical symptoms on the anniversary.  For many people, however, the anniversary can create a sense of angst and side effects:  a feeling of unease, disrupted sleep, a feeling of dread regarding the anniversary, anxiety and restlessness, depression, grief and sadness, lack of focus and decreased attention, irritability, and more.  

However, there are ways to care for your mind, body, and spirit prior to the anniversary, and throughout, to get through it (and even feel stronger to deal with it).

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1. Be proactive-- Schedule some self care prior to the anniversary. Examples of self care would be attending a class in yoga, art, or meditation; going to counseling or a support group (i.e. AA or NA); spending a weekend with friends and loved ones; attending a retreat; getting a massage or going to a spa; getting a one month gym membership, etc…  If you are low on cash or on a tight budget, schedule daily walks with a friend; meditate each day; get creative with art, journalling, or adult coloring books; have extra bubble baths; eat healthy meals; and/or spend time with loved ones. Whatever it is that relaxes you or feeds your soul, put it in your calendar prior to the anniversary.
2. Acknowledge and care for your triggers.
   1. Smaller, more manageable triggers: Use those basic calming skills such as taking deep breaths, taking a brisk walk to burn off excess adrenaline, or calling a supportive friend.   In addition, keep self care items on hand for when uncomfortable feelings arise, such as tissues and extra makeup (in case you get teary); a natural remedy, such as Rescue Remedy, that helps reduce anxiety; an inspirational quote that helps you get through difficult moments; a piece of sour or spicy candy; or a worry stone/other comforting object to hold onto.   
   2. Larger, more intrusive triggers: consider counseling in one of the following “evidence based practices” that addresses triggers, phobias, and extreme anxiety.
      1. Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TFCBT)
      2. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
      3. Prolonged Exposure Therapy
      4. Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT)
3. Acknowledge and commemorate the event in a way that suits your personality and needs.  Here is a partial list of ideas:
   1. Donate money or donate blood for a cause related to the event.
   2. Complete 10 acts of kindness (or other chosen number) to “counteract” some of the negative feelings about the anniversary; or complete the acts of kindness in memory of someone who passed away.
   3. Create a ritual for yourself where you honor what you have survived and endured-- light a special candle for yourself; write down your feelings and thoughts about the event, burn it, and release the ashes; hike a mountain; say a special prayer.
   4. Collect a special item each year near the anniversary-- this may sound like a strange suggestion but hear me out on this one.  I know a person who buys herself a pair of “kick ass” boots on each anniversary.  She loves the quote about walking a mile in someone’s shoes--the boots are worn as a reminder of what she has been through and what she can conquer.  She wears the boots on days when she needs a little extra “kick”.  In this way, she honors her trauma anniversary and her own power over the event.  I know another person who started collecting angels--she now buys an angel on each year near her trauma anniversary.  Yet another person writes a new song each year about what he is still learning from his trauma and how the effects of it weave its way into his life each year. So, your “collected item” can be fun and inspirational, it can be in memory of someone, or it can be part of an ongoing story that you tell about your experience with the event.
   5. Celebrate your survival -- invite friends over and celebrate in a way that makes you feel strong, connected, and proud of what you have survived. This works well in cases like surviving cancer or surviving a messy divorce.
   6. Quiet reflection-- schedule a section of time where you turn off all screens and distractions.  Take that quiet time to reflect on what you have been through and what you have gained as a result.  
   7. Complete this creative directive:  Draw a horizon line on a piece of paper.  Below the horizon is where the traumatic event is -- it is underground and in the past.  Draw or write something to depict this traumatic event below the horizon line.  Next, draw or list the things you learned or gained as a result of the traumatic event -- do so above the horizon line.   You can be as detailed as you like-- some traumatic events have several components to it, and in these cases you can draw lines or other connectors to different areas of the event to mark what you learned or gained from them. I’ve seen responses such as “I got my dog after the event to help me feel safe again-- I can’t imagine my life without her now.  She was a huge part of my healing and recovery”;  “I had to learn how to care for things in the house after my partner died-- I’ve learned some basic plumbing and ‘fixer-upper’ skills”; “I met a whole new community and support group of people I now call close friends”.  Keep in mind that just because you learned or gained something from the traumatic event does not mean you have to appreciate it or even like it...it can be challenging to appreciate anything that comes from such an awful event.  But this exercise does help to reframe your thinking to the possibility that something good can arise from bad experiences--  this change in perspective (no matter how slight) can be healing for some people.   
   8. If you feel like hurting yourself or others, call 911 or your local emergency crisis number.  

There are more ways to get through a trauma anniversary--if you need or want more ideas you can research the topic of “trauma anniversaries” online, seek professional support, or reach out to loved ones for additional ideas.  

Bonnie Thomas, LCSW
Indigo North Counseling, LLC
Copyright 2016

http://www.indigonorthcounseling.com

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Change comes in many forms.  The small changes in life are typically the more manageable ones, such as learning to ride a bike or making a new friend.  But there are changes-- life altering changes-- that require a whole different set of resources (internal and external) to manage.  Life altering changes include the death of a loved one, leaving a long term relationship, transitioning to a new identity, “coming out”, bringing a new child or sibling into the family, a traumatic event, leaving home for the first time, etc. ​

As many of you know already, change is messy and exhausting-- sometimes even the “happy” changes can be messy and exhausting too.   Change also requires patience even when each and every cell in your body is screaming that it wants things to feel comfortable and okay and familiar RIGHT NOW.  

In an ideal world, at least in my ideal world, each of us would be compassionate and open minded to other people’s experiences, especially during these life changing ones.  In addition, we would also be more gentle with ourselves.

That being said, here are reminders and tips for getting through those life altering changes, as well how to help others going through the same.  

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Like many adults, I am constantly navigating the world of coping strategies to see which ones help me feel and function better.  One of my favorite strategies is Finding Hearts.  It's not a commonly listed strategy in self help books (in fact, I may have made this one up).  However, when I am feeling uncomfortable, overwhelmed, or having a particularly rough moment, I look for hearts.  
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Looking for hearts does a few things for my state of mind and well being:

1. It's a practice in grounding.  Grounding is a technique used to decrease emotional distress that accommodates anxiety attacks, dissociation, PTSD and other intense emotional states.  Grounding means bringing yourself to the present moment by checking in with your senses (what do you smell, hear, taste, feel, or see around you at the moment); checking in with your surroundings (look around you, identify where you are or what is in your view); and also checking in with yourself (say your name to yourself, state the date and time of day).  Grounding basically means you pull yourself to the present moment.  Finding hearts is one way to bring yourself to the present moment:  scan your immediate surroundings;  see if you can find any hearts hidden in the clouds, in the ceiling tiles, in the food you are eating, on your clothing, in the trees, etc... 

2. Its a practice in focus.  My ADD can take on a life of it's own and there are times when simply looking around for hearts helps my brain and body slow down enough so I can pay better attention to other details. 

3. It's a practice in mindfulness.  Mindfulness is observing the details of your surroundings (even your "inner surroundings"-- your feelings and state of mind) and being fully present in the moment. 
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4. The creative part of me simply loves this activity-- for me it feels like a mini-recess for my brain.  It's playful, it's creative, and it's a nice break from the routine of the day that can be done in seconds or minutes.
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5. The metaphysical/spiritual/curious part of me can't help but love the fact that we are surrounded by hidden hearts everywhere. 
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6. Photographing the hearts you find and sharing them (i.e. on social media) is a simple and fun way to connect with others. Once you start sharing them, you may find that your friends and loved ones start sending them to you as well.